Aspergers and Obsessions

The topic being discussed on the FB Adult Aspergers Support Group page is Obsessions.  How do they affect your life?

I am obsessed with Aspergers for a start off.  I suppose that isn't so weird.  Afterall, it has only just become apparent to me that my troubles have a name.  I started looking into AS a couple of years ago - more interested for my brother I might add.  Of course, there was little said about Aspergers in women.  It has been studied in male children on the whole.  However, one tiny snippit mentioned some traits in women on the spectrum (see help4aspergers.com).  I read through the list.  I think there were just two that I could not relate to.  That got me thinking.....and that's when I joined the group on Facebook.  Since then, it has just sort of sunk in that I am mildly autistic.  I am not entirely convinced that autism is Aspergers and Aspergers is autism - but I bow to greater minds than mine.  Anyway, here I am obsessing happily about it all.  I look foward to talking to my Aspie FB friends and discovering all the ways Aspergers rules their world. 

Some people are just like me.  They are married with children and find it all a little difficult (to say the least).  Others are more severe (it seems harder for the guys?).   Some of these wonderful people will never have full blown relationships, never work, never be able to venture outside of their own bubbles without it causing extreme pain (physical and mental).  They are heros/heroines.  Brave beyond my imagination and wonderful, creative, stunning creatures who weave their magic all over the world.   They write, they draw and paint, they build bridges, they champion the hard done by, they push boundaries through IT.  In fact, without a world of Aspies, we would still be living in caves! 

Like most Aspies, there are the obsessions.  Some have one enduring one (my brother has been interested in horse racing since he was tiny), some have many re-occuring ones, others have serial obsessions.  I suppose that sounds like me.

If I come across something that interests me, I will study it hard until I know it inside out - then it will be replaced by something else.  I also like games like spider solitaire, bubble shooter, and cube crash.  I go in cycles of playing these over and over again - sometimes it's not about the winning or the big scores, I just go through the motions - I suppose it's relaxing for me?

I am also obsessing currently about healthy eating.  I like real food anyway but have been off sweets, fats, and processed foods (to a great extent).  I would eat the same things every day but this isn't an option with NT's (neurotypicals).  NT's like variety.   I don't care much.    Some of my old flat mates can remember my tuna mayo mush and it worried them that I could eat that daily for months on end.   I just like to expect my food!    Once I like it, I like it for ages and then one day it changes and then that's the new favourite for months.    I have the same breakfast and lunch daily because I am at work so no-one is bothered about it - although my boss thinks its funny. 

Other current obsessions (a long enduring one) is work.  I think about my job rather more than is healthy.  If there is a problem I just love to sit and get a lightbulb moment and then I cant wait to get into work to try out my solution.   Unfortunately,  this is a problem when my youngest is ill or something.  I have actually taken her into work with me rather than miss out....I hate being off.   Aspies make rather good employees for that reason!  I was bullied at work for a few years and it took it's toll - I had a high absenteeism rate - but since that person is no longer working with me, I think I have had two days for a severe stomach infection - the whole family came down with it and I couldn't actually get out of bed.  I took my daughter in with me and we just slept and slept.  It was truly horrible.  I digress.  I was merely trying to impress upon everyone that for me to be off work, it has to be a real problem.   

Holidays can be difficult for that reason as well but because I miss my children so much during the week, it is sometimes just wonderful to chill out with them and not be worried if they want long conversations!  I don't have to keep to a timetable so I can afford to sit and listen.  Aspies can listen very well!   I was a Samaritan for a while.  I do not like drunks much but I can cope with just about anything else. 

Well, look at me rambling on like an old hag.   I meant to add that some Aspie obsessions can be unhealthy - I wonder if my brother's obsession with horse racing isn't a bit 'all consuming' but it is all he does all day every day - apart from eating and watching high brow quizzes - he is ultra clever and has a great memory - in terms of genetic sharing, he got the good bits and I got what was left over....jammy sod.   It would be quite cool to be good at something...

My mother says I am good at fishing for compliments....moo....she is extremely funny.    I get on better with her now because she used to be diplomatic (and very hard for me to understand - I used to get cross with her because she was a bit blurry)  - now she has opinions and she makes damn well she uses them....at least I know where I stand.  It is far more comfortable than having to guess!! 

Shall I mention my weird relationship with nicotine.  Best not.  Save it for another day, another blog. 

My son is swearing his head off in his room.   A good parent would sort that out.  An Aspie parent wonders whether he can spell all those words properly....

Aspie Headaches

Well it seems that headaches are part of Aspie life and we must learn to endure (or take pain killers - which ever works best).

Headache today arose from stress (this is actually how it happens every time with me).  I either get a knot in my colon (IBS) or headache.  Nice eh?

Anyway, why the stress?  Things that most people can take in their stride cause me abject misery - but don't feel sorry for me.  If I am busy stressing, I am not obsessing about other things that could be a great deal worse.

So, Sunday morning - I like my children (and husband) to tackle the housework - I do more than my share (and then some) every day of the week so this is only fair.  Anyway, the children have to tidy their rooms.  Callum has extra duties as he is 15 - vacuum landing and stairs.  Husband does ground floor.   Trying to get them to actually knuckle down is tricky - when I managed it, I was bombarded with requests for help from Rebecca (aged 7) - I was a tad busy sorting out washing, the shopping and cleaning the kitchen.  Not a good mix.   Anyway, she actually did a fair job and I went in to help at the last bit and vacuum.   Son and husband actually did a fair job too! 

The house isn't beautiful and never will be - it has been 'down to the plaster' for a couple of years in readiness for decorating but neither my husband nor I have the time/ability.  So it will stay like that I guess.   My house is also way to full of 'stuff' which is my place of misery.  If I had my way, no-one would have anything but exactly what they need (especially hoarding husband who keeps everything 'just in case' - sadly the event where a heap of spent batteries are required has never come to pass).    

We need to move house so that there is a forced removal of rubbish....hmmm....

Anyway, my daughter has graduated from playing Cbeebies games on my PC to watching porn....indeed!!!  She was looking for music videos having a thing for 'Moves like Jagger' - a fairly inappropriate song (hopefully she doesn't get it).    So, I came up stairs to check on her and she came bombing out of my room looking guilty.  Alarm bells.     I looked up my history....gulp - stuff on there I wouldn't even watch (well, all of it - I am not a fan of pornography).    So, spoke to her about it, asked if she had any questions.....shake of head and a tear later....we are not letting her back on the PC without full supervision.....

Well, I went downstairs a bit shocked and passing the window in the kitchen noticed police cars and ambulance....an incident.  I will not go into details.  It doesn't seem right but obviously involved a couple of lads who maybe have been drinking/doing drugs?   Armed police.....

Now to the bit which is getting me down.  I am trying to roast a shoulder of pork.   Trouble is, the crackling is very crackly and the damn thing still has a good deal of cooking time left....sniff....another culinary disaster.   I blame the Aspergers....for anything I can't do!! 

So, all in all, a fairly busy day for an Aspie.   No time to sit and gather thoughts.   No time.  The story of my life. 

Loud Bangs

There are fireworks going off in all directions - I can hear them. 

We had our mini display in the back garden to appease the small person.    After admitting I was terrified, she took me in hand!

So a round of screaming, ear blocking and running in circles - I had to cope somehow!   I suppose it adds to the 'fun' - seeing your mother nearly out of her mind with fear....It is only in the last couple of years I have learned to be okay with sparklers....

These mini displays in the back garden are still better than the tortuous arranged public displays.  I have been to a couple of these and quite frankly, it would have been a better evening being chased round the kitchen table by a mad axeman.  

Now today was a day of 'making'.  I started rather late having slept like the dead for a shameful amount of time (Aspies get tired out from all the nonsense around them).   But I decided to make soup and a fine soup it is.  All things bright and beautiful - there were carrots, chopped tomatoes, red lentils, a red onion, smoked paprika and a teeny bit of ginger from some heat.  I like mine blended as I am not a huge fan of 'lumpy' soup.  Dunking wholemeal bread into soup is one of the better things in life.  Anyway, it is very good for the children and they did enjoy it for lunch.   For some odd reason I wanted to 'make' chocolate covered marshmallows so that was duly taken care of.  With a little 'help' from Rebecca.  Things that children help to make should come with a government health warning - lots of licking of fingers and touching the food....yuk. 

The best thing was 'making' a berry juice.  Rebecca and I braved another supermarket (for someone who hates them I sure spend a lot of time in them).  I did need to take paracetamol before heading out of the door - primarily because Rebecca was doing the non-stop chat.    I was rather stressed.   Anyway, we returned back with ingredients and shoved strawberries, blueberries, ice and fizzy water into the blender.  Whizzed this.  Poured it out - delicious - had 3 glassfuls.  

Now I don't know if this is an Aspie thing but it is something that I do often.  Someone just happens to mention something e.g Spock (Starship Enterprise) and there I have to go and google stuff all about Spock for sometime.  I frequently post my favourite bits on FB and wait for comments.   Now from the Spockism 'I am making a mnemonic memory circuit from stone knives and bearskins' - the name MacGuyver came up - if I am right, this is a reference to a detective on US television who could make stuff out of virtually nothing e.g. paperclip becomes aerial.  This led me to look up other 'MacGuyvers' and I came across the hugely funny Mrs McGyvers Household Journal - a sort of 1950's take on Mrs Beaton.   Now this journey is not untypical of my little knowledge trails.  I find something, I look it up, I know it for about two days and then I forget it.  Very useful ability when reading crime stories.  I have read and re-read all by Agatha Christie and never tire! 

Got to go now.  Need a soothing cup of green tea and a chocolate covered marshmallow. 

Parents Evening and Other Breaks to the Routine

Well, it's been a busy old time.  First of all Samhain and Halloween - these things need 'organised'.  I had to brave 3 supermarkets to get the last misshapen pumkin from Sainsbury!  All was well, the beast was lovingly carved into a scary face and the 'alter' set up - included nuts and fruit (and a few sweets) but no skull - just taking it too far that is.    So, how do Aspies like Halloween ?  Well, I prefer the more Celtic traditions but modern Halloween is fine for children.  Some Aspies don't like the 'feel' of dressing up clothes or masks on their face.  If they have social phobias - there will be no door knocking!   And of course the rather eerie nature of it all can spook some Aspies too.  

Rebecca was high as a kite when I picked her up from her after-school club.  She donned her shop bought witches outfit, scoffed a meagre supper and we went out guising.   Fortunately she only expects to do half a dozen houses - lucky me - only had to speak with a few neighbours - random torture but it didn't drag.  

A tip to deal with the little angels that appear on your doorstep with great expectations - bag up before hand.  Don't hand them a bowl or the first guisers will rob you blind.  I just put some sweets, monkey nuts and a couple of lollies in individual bags.  I can then count the eejits on the doorstep very quickly, toss some bags at them and they disappear into the darkness.

Guisers nowadays are a bit lame...gone are the terrible jokes or silly songs - now they just appear with an open Asda bag and look at you as if you had two heads.   They have annoyingly adopted the phrase 'trick or treat' in some cases - so I say 'treat please' - also met with blank stares....apparently it's just something you say...you don't actually expect them to 'do' anything....so it's pretty rubbish.   For an Aspie it's just plain confusion - why say it????

Anyway, my Rebecca actually wrote a poem for the event and made each poor neighbour listen - serves them right.   I get a malicious pleasure out of it.   It was a bloody good poem though.  They were lucky. 

Have I mentioned the Halloween disco at the school - that was last week.  Another evening of dodging people - I find looking down at my shoes usually stops any eye contact.  Only people who know me well will say 'hello' - I don't mind that.  Anyway, two routine busting events in a very short space of time - of course I stressed about it all.

Talking of which - more stress - parents evening.    Sitting amid endless parents and teachers.  If it was a dream, I would have woken up in a cold sweat begging for mercy.  But like everything else, I made it through and actually Rebecca is doing well at school - the fact that she is chatty also mentioned by the teacher....read previous blogs to get the full effect of this remark. 

Next problem is fireworks night.  I don't really like fireworks - too noisy, too bright, too much.  But we endure for the children - it's still part of our traditions so we just put up with it!     After that we have the countdown to the miserable tradition of Christmas.   My heart sinks.  It is so disruptive, so over stimulating, so exhausting.   I really wish it could be cancelled  - in fact I often fantasise about becoming a Jehovas witness - they rubber it big time.  I am sure God knew that it would turn into a circus!    Christmas Day is the day I have a drink...of alcohol that is.  I get splattered.  Apparently I am highly amusing before I sink into a chair and snore loudly.    Pretty lucky. 

Have been quite a good parent today.  Am pleased with myself.   Me to Facebook - see my Aspie friends and get cyber hugs and sympathy - one of the joys of knowing other Aspies is just not having to explain myself.  All I need say is 'parents evening' and they go 'awwww'.    Am a very happy person today. 

Stress, Anxiety and Aspergers

Because of a lack of diagnosis, people always just thought I was highly strung. 


When I was very young, I was an extremely whiny child.  It drove my family potty.  I read somewhere (can't remember) that whining in children is their way of expressing anger in a more acceptable way than smashing things up (I wouldn't have done that as I hated mess).     Driving along in the back of the car one day (with all my siblings and I squashed in the back - I have 3 brothers and 1 sister), I think I took the whining too far.  My mother leaned over and thwacked me one across the face.  That sure shut me up!  

I don't think anyone realised I wasn't wired up the same as 'normal' people.  My brother - who is a typical aspie - had definite odd behaviours and my mother's instinct was to protect him.  She still does.  Being a girl things were different.  More was expected I suppose.  Autism was a boy issue - girls were just being scatty or difficult. 

Anyway, because of this or despite it (who can say) I forced myself to be less shy, I fought my way through panic attacks, depressions, hellish relationships, stress, agoraphobia, social phobias.  I studied hard after work to get qualifications - if only to prove to myself I wasn't completely thick (but also because I have to know things).   I worked hard at work too and made my way in to office management.  It's a thing I am good at and I have stayed with.    Never got further than this despite being very well qualified but as I have mentioned in previous blogs, I think I come across as scatty and weird. 

In a way I do regret not knowing about Aspergers sooner - perhaps I would have been able to explain things to people around me I cared about - most people don't stick around.    Once someone isn't around me all the time, I can almost 'forget' their existence.  It's bizarre.  It does not mean I don't love them.  I just 'get used to' the new routines of them not being there.  I think it hurt too many people to believe that 'out of sight' really did mean 'out of mind'.   It isn't strictly true.  I see my best friend once a year and we don't communicate regularly but I very rarely go through a whole day without her popping into my head.   This friendship has lasted over twenty years - precisely because no demands are made.   If I don't want to visit her (in London) even if I am expected, it's okay to cancel last minute without a shower of abuse.  Likewise, she may do this with me too.  It's one of our 'rules'.   Not too many calls or texts or emails either - no one likes being 'forced' to reply/respond.   It's all done through telepathic love.   But the joy of hearing her voice, or getting an email is beyond measure.   I know there is no pressure, no social niceties to comply with - I can just be me.   I haven't actually discussed Aspergers with her yet - I do wonder how she will respond to this.

Other things I might like to have known before - that I am not thick - I just process information a different way.   Verbal and written instructions are difficult for me and so I have to really be careful in exams - might have done better in my IQ test if I had been prepared for it!  I was only little and frankly I thought it was some kind of conspiracy  - a whole exam of trick questions.  I never did find out what the 'score' was but I am guessing I was near enough a carrot.   I didn't even bother to answer half the questions as I really didn't get what they were on about.!  I have tried a few on line IQ tests more recently and I am pleased to say, I am still a carrot....woohoo.   This might be okay for some people but I just happen to be born into a family of extremely clever academic people - not much sympathy there then....

It is not easy to watch siblings doing no work and coming out with A results.  I had to study like crazy for a C....grrr.....

Also, I have one brother who is a gifted musician and an A student.  It can really piss you off.   Fluent at languages, any musical instrument, could remember all the books he read and quoth to hearts content in Latin if need be....OMG...and he is a good looking bloke.   So not fair.....sniff...

So, as the black-sheep of my own particular brood, I will shuffle off and be average or crap at everything. 

Another Aspie Day

Well, luckier than normal - could understand nearly everyone today...except my boss who telephones me from his car - he also mumbles which is really annoying!  Anyway, he phoned a few times from his mobile and mumbled away happily - I had to stretch my hearing to full capacity to get every other word.  Anyway, I failed big time so had to come up with reasonable little phrases like 'Mmmm...yeah....'.  Not a good response if he was mumbling questions. 

The problem extends beyond my auditory difficulties....I also was tuned into my work (paper shuffling big time) and had to tune out to 'listen'.   Grumpy I was.   

It wasn't just my dear boss either - had to put up with many calls interrupting my beloved work.  But being there on the end of a phone is also part of my job.   Now quite often I am adept at chatting rubbish for long periods of time.  Unfortunately an inevitable spout of too much personal information will be let loose on my unsuspecting telephone comrade.   Most people can handle it - they think I am insane - but they can take it....

These same comrades will phone a couple of days later expecting the same treatment only to be met with Mrs Mute.   Has she got a split personality?  She just might have....

Now I have also taken to telling anyone who will listen that I am on the spectrum - this is met with dumb stares (at least I think that's what the reaction is - not always easy to tell).  Either nobody knows what Aspergers is or they are just shocked that I have only finally realised..

Right.  Am off to see what is happening on Facebook - my preferred way of socialising.    

One More Day!

Well, I had a good day - couldn't really understand anyone at all but as I was on my own for a good part of the day I didn't actually care!  I suspect it's really annoying for anyone trying to communicate with me but that's sort of tough...lol

Homework night - my daughter had 3 lots of homework as I think she forgets to bring her jotter home!  Anyway, we started at 6.45pm and finished at 8.00 pm.  It wasn't that there was massive amounts of homework, it's just that she talks, and talks, and talks....my ears were wilting!

I have an hour to myself before my son and I tackle his revision homework for business studies.  Luckily it's marketing and I have a diploma in that.  I have lots of qualifications which I never use.  Part of the fun of being an Aspie is that you can be as clever as you like but because your communication skills suck people think you are too weird and you get overlooked for more challenging jobs and/or promotion.  Not every Aspie gets this - there are some companies who actively seek out the high IQ types who are a whizz with computers.  Microsoft has more than their fair share.   If you have an Aspie child try and think about what special interests they possess and see if that can be translated into a job - if it can then encourage!  

My work is in an office - I like offices in general (particularly all the gadgets e.g. staplers, hole punches, and date stamps).  This was one of my special interests.  I can also see office processes from start to finish in my minds eye so I make a damn good office manager.  I can set up procedures or rectify bad ones.  In the past I have been head-hunted for these very talents.  It takes time and dedication but I can get most offices running like clockwork - I have never failed in this.    The office I run at the moment is exciting because things change regularly so you have to adopt a fluid approach - I love the challenge of having to assimilate new processes and procedures when things change. 

Obsessions are common with Aspies - we call them 'interests'.  I am like that with my work.   Many Aspies are like that so make very reliable staff.    They don't like breaks in their routine so are only off if they have to be.  They work solidly through the day without chatting (although I am a chatterbox on the phone) and will do more than is asked of them.  A great many employers are missing a trick!   

So, I'm off to help my son with his homework. 

A great day.