How do you tell people that you just don't like to be hugged?
How can you explain that kissing is disgusting and spreads germs?
Now, I can cuddle my children. My daughter likes kisses. I never mind this. I get that she needs it. At some point though, my son grew out of needing a hug and kiss off his mum. This does not worry me. I replace physical affection with verbal affection. It works for everyone that way.
But what about sex? Well, some Aspies find certain aspects of it rather difficult - they might not like parts of their body being touched. Perhaps over sensitive? Some Aspies truly dislike sex. Others like it a lot.
The trouble with sex is that neuro-typicals like to be romantic. They like to hug and kiss before and after. Personally this is just something you have to go through to get to the biological fun part!
I very, very rarely look forward to being hugged. I can do it but after a couple of minutes, I notice how uncomfortable I am and something starts itching e.g. back, arm, leg and I have to wriggle about and basically escape the grip.....
Kissing is pretty gross. I could do with the Innuit nose rubbing greeting becoming popular. Kissing on the lips is far too intimate and intrusive. Like a telephone ringing when you are reading a great book. When did someone's saliva near your mouth become a 'Good Thing' ?
Hugging girlfriends?? Well, they laugh at me most of the time. They laugh about my rigid response to embrace and my screwed up face. I don't mind them laughing. If they didn't laugh, there is a good chance it would hurt their feelings. But that isn't what it is all about.
On saying that, after so many years on the planet, I have learned to hug back and I try really hard. I still don't actually enjoy it but I do understand that my NT friends 'need' human contact to feel okay.
Love is.........a few chemicals slopping about in the brain. How do I work out if I like someone or not? I imagine them dead. If I start to cry then I know I like them. If I don't cry, there is a pretty good chance that their friendship is neither here nor there to me. Perhaps this method seems strange to an NT?
Aspies find it hard to process, describe or even understand their own emotions. The term used is Alexithymia. I cannot tell you if I am upset. It's not that I don't feel things, it's just it takes me a long time to work out what exactly those feelings are all about. I can get angry, but it bubbles away for sometime before I explode (sometimes called a meltdown). I can feel sad and will cry. Sometimes I don't even know why I am crying. It just appears.
These kind of emotional and physical problems are typical in an Aspie - there are no upsides to that. There are many downsides - the worst one I can think of off the cuff is that I pick terrible partners! I seem to attract people who are completely unreliable, untrustworthy, unpleasant....and the bummer is, I don't know what it is about me that is the magnet for the iron filings of damaged-man! If I knew, I would switch it off!!
Sunday 26 February 2012
Monday 20 February 2012
Back to Work
A good day!
Yes. I did have a lovely week at home but I was happy to be back at my desk as well. Boss had kept up some of the jobs so it was far less work to contend with than normal.
Not only that but Boss is buying a house! Woohoo. I get to see all the pictures. For those of you who know Aspies, you will know most have a special interest - mine just happens to be houses. I can browse for hours and pretend I am talking to Phil and Kirsty (Location, Location, Location) about which house would suit me best. I love to look at pictures of houses, house plans, nasty houses, nice houses, new or old.
When I was little, my mother used to take me to see houses. Not stately homes (although we did that too). She pretended that she was buying and we would 'view'. I think my mother might be on the spectrum too....anyway, it's pretty unfair on vendors and agents but what a glorious past time for me...!
If anyone posts a picture of themselves, I am looking the room behind them...people do not interest me as much.
I am fairly critical of other people's houses. I often wonder why they choose a god awful leather sofa from a warehouse and stick it in a victorian terraced villa but there you go. I like things to be suitable. Given that I live in a virtual slum, it's even more thrilling.
Now, houses are not my only special interest. I love things from the 1930's - especially the white, 'moderne' style of house (some built in 1940's as well). Arts and Crafts houses too - but preferably without the very dark wood! I love anything to do with Native American Indians - afterall, from a tiny tot, I thought I was one....plucked from my tribe to spend time with a crazy family from Scotland...it made sense then.
And I love offices. This is why I work in one. I love the order. I like paper-shuffling. I love my computer - I think excel sheets are great!
Nothing happier than an Aspie quietly enjoying their special interest(s).
Yes. I did have a lovely week at home but I was happy to be back at my desk as well. Boss had kept up some of the jobs so it was far less work to contend with than normal.
Not only that but Boss is buying a house! Woohoo. I get to see all the pictures. For those of you who know Aspies, you will know most have a special interest - mine just happens to be houses. I can browse for hours and pretend I am talking to Phil and Kirsty (Location, Location, Location) about which house would suit me best. I love to look at pictures of houses, house plans, nasty houses, nice houses, new or old.
When I was little, my mother used to take me to see houses. Not stately homes (although we did that too). She pretended that she was buying and we would 'view'. I think my mother might be on the spectrum too....anyway, it's pretty unfair on vendors and agents but what a glorious past time for me...!
If anyone posts a picture of themselves, I am looking the room behind them...people do not interest me as much.
I am fairly critical of other people's houses. I often wonder why they choose a god awful leather sofa from a warehouse and stick it in a victorian terraced villa but there you go. I like things to be suitable. Given that I live in a virtual slum, it's even more thrilling.
Now, houses are not my only special interest. I love things from the 1930's - especially the white, 'moderne' style of house (some built in 1940's as well). Arts and Crafts houses too - but preferably without the very dark wood! I love anything to do with Native American Indians - afterall, from a tiny tot, I thought I was one....plucked from my tribe to spend time with a crazy family from Scotland...it made sense then.
And I love offices. This is why I work in one. I love the order. I like paper-shuffling. I love my computer - I think excel sheets are great!
Nothing happier than an Aspie quietly enjoying their special interest(s).
Wednesday 15 February 2012
Aspies - work, life, love....
However, there are many Aspies who find work impossible because of the various demands made on them by the nature of work itself - some are dyslexic, some dyspraxic, some have dyscalculia, prosopagnosia, social phobias just to name a few.
I am one of the lucky ones who work full time - my interest in offices and my love of routine and order have made it possible for me to thrive in my career - albeit a fairly lowly one (administration/office manager). However, I always wondered how I could never really progress and now of course, I realise that my AS has both helped and hindered. It helps because I make a good employee. It hinders because I never see myself doing anything different and have flitted about learning a little about everything so that I am a jack of all trades....
There is a good chance my employers think I am bonkers as well!
That aside, it's the half term holiday for the school. My son shot off to his Dad's house rather quickly so it has been me and Boo (her nickname) for the week. And what a lovely week it has been. Normally holidays are difficult given that I love my work and my routines.
Not so this week. We have cleaned up a lot (the house is a state) but we have been for longs walks in the unseasonably warmish weather. We have had fruit picnics in the park and have watched two rather good films in the evenings - one being Five Children and It based on the E Nesbitt book and the other being the Three Muskateers - a rotten Disney but chewing gum for the brain!
And it makes it all worth it when a little face is turned to mine and I am told they have had a lovely day. Sighs.
A horrible thought occured to me in the park - what do I do when they up and fly the nest? My heart ached from the realisation that I only have a few more years of these simple pleasures to go. Soon my Boo will be wrapped up in her appearance, exams, boys/girls (depends) and nonsense surrounding growing up. I will be required but only for money and the odd taxi run and possibly to comfort a broken heart. I will be required to counsel, admonish, entreaty but I will not have the glorious gift of a little hand in mine....
It is hard for people with young children not to wish them away sometimes but if I could persuade any parent to love every second, I would. All gone too soon. Fortunately for me, one of my brothers already let me know just how desperately sad it is to see your children drift from you and not to be needed in the same way ever again. He is lucky he has two children to be so proud of - my nephew and neice are wonderful people. But I can remember them when they were little and I didn't love it enough. I have learned my lesson and thankfully I am not too late.
Being a working parent is hard but in some ways, I think I give more when I can because of the lack of time. And if nothing else, by diverging during the day, we collide in happiness and chaos in the evenings...I love a good hullabaloo...
I am one of the lucky ones who work full time - my interest in offices and my love of routine and order have made it possible for me to thrive in my career - albeit a fairly lowly one (administration/office manager). However, I always wondered how I could never really progress and now of course, I realise that my AS has both helped and hindered. It helps because I make a good employee. It hinders because I never see myself doing anything different and have flitted about learning a little about everything so that I am a jack of all trades....
There is a good chance my employers think I am bonkers as well!
That aside, it's the half term holiday for the school. My son shot off to his Dad's house rather quickly so it has been me and Boo (her nickname) for the week. And what a lovely week it has been. Normally holidays are difficult given that I love my work and my routines.
Not so this week. We have cleaned up a lot (the house is a state) but we have been for longs walks in the unseasonably warmish weather. We have had fruit picnics in the park and have watched two rather good films in the evenings - one being Five Children and It based on the E Nesbitt book and the other being the Three Muskateers - a rotten Disney but chewing gum for the brain!
And it makes it all worth it when a little face is turned to mine and I am told they have had a lovely day. Sighs.
A horrible thought occured to me in the park - what do I do when they up and fly the nest? My heart ached from the realisation that I only have a few more years of these simple pleasures to go. Soon my Boo will be wrapped up in her appearance, exams, boys/girls (depends) and nonsense surrounding growing up. I will be required but only for money and the odd taxi run and possibly to comfort a broken heart. I will be required to counsel, admonish, entreaty but I will not have the glorious gift of a little hand in mine....
It is hard for people with young children not to wish them away sometimes but if I could persuade any parent to love every second, I would. All gone too soon. Fortunately for me, one of my brothers already let me know just how desperately sad it is to see your children drift from you and not to be needed in the same way ever again. He is lucky he has two children to be so proud of - my nephew and neice are wonderful people. But I can remember them when they were little and I didn't love it enough. I have learned my lesson and thankfully I am not too late.
Being a working parent is hard but in some ways, I think I give more when I can because of the lack of time. And if nothing else, by diverging during the day, we collide in happiness and chaos in the evenings...I love a good hullabaloo...
Saturday 11 February 2012
Angry Aspie - Economy, Work and Childcare...
I am no political animal. Half the time I am not sure what I think or believe. But there are times when you have to state an opinion, even if that opinion is slammed down by many and makes you feel a little bit small!
My first Angry Aspie bugbear is family tax credits.....in my opinion, this is just a devious way for large corporations to avoid paying a living wage. Instead - the tax payers pay the salaries....we wouldn't want to lower anyone's profits would we??? I find it shocking that so many people rely so heavily on these meagre hand-outs. I have received them in the past because of being part of the low wage economy.
My argument is that if everyone who has worked for over five years received £20,000 + (excluding London) in their wages and an expectation of £40,000 per couple as a minimum, life could be a great deal easier all round. In most parts of the country, a small family could just about survive on this with one or two economies. They could though, spend more and drive cash back into our own economy instead of it being syphoned off by a tiny amount of people who spend most of their money abroad.
Now, having two people working in the family is great but what about childcare? My own childcare costs - this is for before and after school care - costs more than my mortgage. And the fees are due to rise again in April! This is because a once subsidised childcare outfit have had all the councils financial assistance removed! And these costs are cheap in comparison to others in different parts of the country.
So, this is going to drive more couples to decide that one parent will stay at home.....okay, so the upshot of this is that there will be a few jobs opening up for others...the down side is that our economy is likely to lose out on some really good people and put more pressure on the tax system to provide the shortfall in their income...guess how? Family tax credits....
It is well documented that the supermarkets are probably the worst offenders for offering low paid jobs. Considering the billions of pounds profit they make it seems ludicrous they are not made to pay their way. Okay, so you could argue that these awful establishments provide jobs in the areas they reside in. That would be great if these were 'real' jobs. In the main, they are a sham of part time hours often aimed at women or youngsters!
And of course, badly paid, part time work is more often than not the mainstay of a woman's economic pot. The assumption is still (in the twenty first century) that she is earning the 'pin money' whilst the high earning husband actually supports the family....well, pretty much that image is bollocks.
The reality of the situation is that some seriously well qualified people have to do menial jobs in order to tend to their offspring effectively. Not in the UK do we have free childcare! Again, this problem is often reserved for women. They are the ones left to juggle work and childcare. So, equality is only for the few it would appear.
The smokes and mirrors trickery used by large corporations and governments to ease each other's lifestyles, only serves to ensure the general population are kept in their lowly place.
To end my rant, I would like to ask exactly what sort of life style a hard working couple should expect...should they have to be economising to the point where they have no holidays, no satellite TV, poor quality food, poor quality clothing, badly maintained homes with damp and heating exclusions, no school trips for children, no family days out, no extras like sweets on a Saturday?? Why should people go out to work everyday to be told by much richer people that they might need to economise......? Wouldn't a lot of these workers be just as badly off on benefits...? I leave you with that.
My first Angry Aspie bugbear is family tax credits.....in my opinion, this is just a devious way for large corporations to avoid paying a living wage. Instead - the tax payers pay the salaries....we wouldn't want to lower anyone's profits would we??? I find it shocking that so many people rely so heavily on these meagre hand-outs. I have received them in the past because of being part of the low wage economy.
My argument is that if everyone who has worked for over five years received £20,000 + (excluding London) in their wages and an expectation of £40,000 per couple as a minimum, life could be a great deal easier all round. In most parts of the country, a small family could just about survive on this with one or two economies. They could though, spend more and drive cash back into our own economy instead of it being syphoned off by a tiny amount of people who spend most of their money abroad.
Now, having two people working in the family is great but what about childcare? My own childcare costs - this is for before and after school care - costs more than my mortgage. And the fees are due to rise again in April! This is because a once subsidised childcare outfit have had all the councils financial assistance removed! And these costs are cheap in comparison to others in different parts of the country.
So, this is going to drive more couples to decide that one parent will stay at home.....okay, so the upshot of this is that there will be a few jobs opening up for others...the down side is that our economy is likely to lose out on some really good people and put more pressure on the tax system to provide the shortfall in their income...guess how? Family tax credits....
It is well documented that the supermarkets are probably the worst offenders for offering low paid jobs. Considering the billions of pounds profit they make it seems ludicrous they are not made to pay their way. Okay, so you could argue that these awful establishments provide jobs in the areas they reside in. That would be great if these were 'real' jobs. In the main, they are a sham of part time hours often aimed at women or youngsters!
And of course, badly paid, part time work is more often than not the mainstay of a woman's economic pot. The assumption is still (in the twenty first century) that she is earning the 'pin money' whilst the high earning husband actually supports the family....well, pretty much that image is bollocks.
The reality of the situation is that some seriously well qualified people have to do menial jobs in order to tend to their offspring effectively. Not in the UK do we have free childcare! Again, this problem is often reserved for women. They are the ones left to juggle work and childcare. So, equality is only for the few it would appear.
The smokes and mirrors trickery used by large corporations and governments to ease each other's lifestyles, only serves to ensure the general population are kept in their lowly place.
To end my rant, I would like to ask exactly what sort of life style a hard working couple should expect...should they have to be economising to the point where they have no holidays, no satellite TV, poor quality food, poor quality clothing, badly maintained homes with damp and heating exclusions, no school trips for children, no family days out, no extras like sweets on a Saturday?? Why should people go out to work everyday to be told by much richer people that they might need to economise......? Wouldn't a lot of these workers be just as badly off on benefits...? I leave you with that.
Thursday 9 February 2012
Back Again!
Oh, I missed a good blog. But have been extremely busy or otherwise not inclinded to do much in the way of writing, tweeting, or other such enjoyable pursuits.
Why busy? Well, life is coming to that crossroads. I can 'feel' it coming upon me. I need to revitalise my existence. Am not sure how yet of course but there are few options. Firstly, I am the mother of two adorable children. That part of my life makes me very, very happy unless they are moaning at me! The house needs a complete overhaul but times are hard so this is going to have to be done efficiently and cheaply. A bit of graft can go a long way. And there are the inevitable assessments of other people in ones life. Do they stay or go? Not that many to rid myself of - being an Aspie brings with it a complete inability to sustain decent friendships/relationships. Unless you happen to know the most understanding person on the planet, most people will be frustrated, angry or plain confused by being close to an Aspie!
Other Aspies 'get it' so if I could surround myself by other Aspies things would go quite well. Complete lack of demands, the occasional meltdown, the lack of verbal communication....hmm...sounding quite good actually.
So. My cooking is actually improving believe it or not. I made a cracking roast beef a couple of Sunday's ago. This was thanks to the masterful Heston Bloomin' Tail. I took a big wedge of beef, poured in some stock, wrapped the whole shebang in foil and slow cooked it for several hours. I left it to rest for twenty minutes and it was very soft, tasty and rather amazing...woohoo.
Since then, I have glided effortlessly between making stuff myself from scratch which I love and buying horrible ready made gunge - slowly the family are coming round to 'home made is best'. I have a technique going and it wont be long before anything from the freezer counter will not be allowed (unless it's ice cream). Quite right. Oh, and frozen peas are actually edible (if you cook them of course). The midway between meals are the ones like spag bol - fresh beef mince but a jar of sauce....these are still popular. I have yet to make a good pasta sauce that everyone likes.
Indeed, cooking is still a lovely past time. With a bit of a holiday next week - I hope to indulge myself with some baking too. I thought a good bread made with olive oil and a wholesome soup....wonderful. I did make a white cabbage soup recently and it was extremely nice. Unfortunately, the thought of cabbage soup upsets a lot of people and no takers except my lovely daughter who will try anything.
I might even buy a tin of paint and get stuck into son's room - he will be away for the week so it's an ideal opportunity to make one room in the house almost habitable. Or is that just plain ambitious.....
Step up - sometimes the best views are from the highest windows.
Why busy? Well, life is coming to that crossroads. I can 'feel' it coming upon me. I need to revitalise my existence. Am not sure how yet of course but there are few options. Firstly, I am the mother of two adorable children. That part of my life makes me very, very happy unless they are moaning at me! The house needs a complete overhaul but times are hard so this is going to have to be done efficiently and cheaply. A bit of graft can go a long way. And there are the inevitable assessments of other people in ones life. Do they stay or go? Not that many to rid myself of - being an Aspie brings with it a complete inability to sustain decent friendships/relationships. Unless you happen to know the most understanding person on the planet, most people will be frustrated, angry or plain confused by being close to an Aspie!
Other Aspies 'get it' so if I could surround myself by other Aspies things would go quite well. Complete lack of demands, the occasional meltdown, the lack of verbal communication....hmm...sounding quite good actually.
So. My cooking is actually improving believe it or not. I made a cracking roast beef a couple of Sunday's ago. This was thanks to the masterful Heston Bloomin' Tail. I took a big wedge of beef, poured in some stock, wrapped the whole shebang in foil and slow cooked it for several hours. I left it to rest for twenty minutes and it was very soft, tasty and rather amazing...woohoo.
Since then, I have glided effortlessly between making stuff myself from scratch which I love and buying horrible ready made gunge - slowly the family are coming round to 'home made is best'. I have a technique going and it wont be long before anything from the freezer counter will not be allowed (unless it's ice cream). Quite right. Oh, and frozen peas are actually edible (if you cook them of course). The midway between meals are the ones like spag bol - fresh beef mince but a jar of sauce....these are still popular. I have yet to make a good pasta sauce that everyone likes.
Indeed, cooking is still a lovely past time. With a bit of a holiday next week - I hope to indulge myself with some baking too. I thought a good bread made with olive oil and a wholesome soup....wonderful. I did make a white cabbage soup recently and it was extremely nice. Unfortunately, the thought of cabbage soup upsets a lot of people and no takers except my lovely daughter who will try anything.
I might even buy a tin of paint and get stuck into son's room - he will be away for the week so it's an ideal opportunity to make one room in the house almost habitable. Or is that just plain ambitious.....
Step up - sometimes the best views are from the highest windows.
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