Nitty Gritty

It's over.  Thank God.  Christmas is torture.   I enjoyed two things - my children opening their presents and eating cheese and biscuits with my sister in law and niece.    The rest was a test of my spirit and that's all I can say - except that I am knackered, feeling very unsociable, and slightly depressed.

  It occurs to me that life hasn't been at all easy and it doesn't seem to be letting up.  Now as  Aspie with no formal diagnosis yet,  I get accused of pathologising normal behaviour (a phrase I nicked from a great article in the NY Times about a couple on the spectrum and their relationship traumas).    What does this mean?  Well, to all intents and purposes it means I choose to be on the spectrum to explain away all the quirks and traits that normal people don't seem to have.  What are these?  Shall we list them?

a.  Don't ever, ever go near my belly button - I will kill or cry.
b.  Don't rub my upper arms for too long - it's like rubbing a bruise
c.  Socks do my head in
d.  Labels on clothes drive me nuts
e.  Thinking about anything I am wearing for too long - will make me cry
f.  I practice social interactions - endlessly and obsessively - muttering to myself the moment I am alone.  Over and over.  Been doing it since tiny.
g.  I over think or under think just about everything.
h.  I can hear the words you are saying but it might be a while before I understand them
i.  I might repeat what you just said so I have time to process - echo, echo, echo
j.  There is a good chance I will mimic you - your accent and gestures - that's my way of learning social skills.  Not reliable but do it anyway.
k.  Pretty much if I meet you once I will not recognise you again unless you are in the same place.  Pretty much this is true of just about everyone including family.
l.  I rock backwards and forwards at my computer.  If really stressed, I have a repetitive movement with my hands - I push my thumb into the palm of the other hand, twist and repeat.  If I am in  a supermarket I will finger count - my thumb will press each of my fingers on my hand in a sequence only I know.  Apparently these are stims.
m.  I have a problem working out time - really awkward for cooking...
n.  There are days when I would rather not speak at all - not a word.
o.  I don't like being hugged or kissed.
p.  Perfumes are stinky and repellent
q.  I am a bit blunt sometimes - to the point of rudeness apparently.  I wouldn't hurt anyone intentionally but I like to be straightforward and honest.  I have learned this is socially unacceptable so it doesn't happen all the time now.
r.  I don't like socialising.   It's exhausting.
s.  I can study houses and house plans for hours - and play spider solitaire all day if I have time (which I don't as I am a working parent).
t.  If you are angry - say so.  I can't tell by your silly expressions.
u.  I get violent when really angry but it takes a lot to get there because generally I don't really get what is going on around me.  I live in a bubble - you should just leave me there.  Reality sucks.
v.  I do suffer because I can't make out what is going on - I have been bullied in the past and generally I am one of those people who seek to please - aka doormat.    Am learning (at 47) to stick up for myself.
w.  My work is important to me.  Very important.  I am happiest there in my routines.   I am good at it - even though I must be hard to work with sometimes.
x.  Written instructions are probably not going to be understood - draw a picture.  I like to think in pictures.
z.  I will have meltdowns/tantrums what ever you call it - I can't verbally defend or argue very well and it all goes into a mush in my head - and then I will obsess about that for years.  And cry/shout/stomp to display how I feel.  I can't ask for your help and I cannot verbalise how I feel exactly - that's a bummer.

So, if I got the alphabet right, which I doubt, then there are 26 things to be going on with.   If I thought about it a bit more, there are a few to add but no more alphabet.  Should have used numbers - too late now.

For those of you who still think that is easy to give a name to some of these things - think again.  It has taken me 47 years of berating myself to find out that not everything was my fault.   I didn't have the inward facilities to make good choices all the time.   That isn't a crime.  Nor is wanting a name for the things that set you apart from the norm.  It's comforting.

Being an Aspie isn't an excuse for behaving differently or even badly.  I do try, I sincerely do try to fit in.  I just have a much harder job!  And there are a few things I simply do not know how to deal with.   But believe me, in all the years I have been on this planet I have done nothing but push harder to be better. 

Live well.  It drives everyone else around you nuts.  

Aspie Christmas Overdrive...

Well, it's here.  The headaches, the IBS, the toe curling anxiety, the lists and lists of lists,  the shops are crowded, the noises are dementing.  Happy bloody Christmas! 

Read an interesting article - Metro - Toronto: World: Autism Friendly Santas - newish initiative set up for children on the spectrum.  A fully trained 'sensitive Santa' can fulfill long held family dream of a good photo with a beloved child.    These Santas take their cue from the child.  If the little one is not for lap sitting, that's okay - there are no noises and lights to worry them either.  It's all calm and at the child's pace.  What a wonderful world we live in.   It does give you hope. 

The great blessing for Aspies is the internet - mainly because I never have to hit another shop if I organise myself properly.  Unfortunately I haven't got it all quite right yet.  Had to run out at my lunch break to find a turkey big enough for the family.  And while I was suffering the hell that is supermarket, I picked up sprouts, carrots and a number of bits and bobs.  That took about ten minutes.  Waiting in the queue to pay for the crap was another twenty.....

Supermarkets are the great con of our lifetime.  In the olden days, we could visit our local shop and sit in a chair and have produce bought to the counter by an assistant, bagged up and now and again dumped on an account.  Not so the great food retailers.  First of all, we have to trail around their shop, to buy their products (that's hard enough) and then to add insult to injury, we are asked to unload said goods for their convenience, get it all priced up and then reload/bag it ourselves and cart the whole lot to the car/bus/taxi.     Not once does anyone question the wisdom of this.  We all just do it.  And now, for our own joy, you can self-scan.  Cut someones job and do it all yourself.     Who in their right mind thought all this up?  And the little sheep go 'baaaaa'....

Well, I am finally left with the unreasonable anxiety that I haven't got enough or that I have forgotten something that will ruin the entire day....

If only someone could point out what that is. 

And of course, if I haven't got enough, I will just have to patch it up with promises.    Like it will be better next year.  And you know?  It simply never is!  Always chaotic, always heartstoppingly terrifying.

If I don't blog before Christmas - do have a wonderful day.   Aspies - this is a day of high expectations of you.  Reach for it - you can sleep it all off on Boxing Day!  

LMSO

I rarely put LMAO - it's so rude....but 'Laughing My Socks Off' does seem child-friendly?  This is okay for an abbreviation - there are so many unnecessary ones e.g. poly bag, pressie, kids....need I go on.  Some abbreviations are so painful to me...

There are times of course when an abbreviation is the only sensible way forward.  I have been known to thumb out an entire text with full words...but it seems so silly...what's wrong with 'k' instead of 'okay' - except you spend the same amount of money on it.  Personally, I like to get value for my text expense.  And of course it takes less time to process proper words than silly ones - 'Hi m8, got ur pressie - cu soon x'  - Bloody great.  Am getting a present from a m8 - no idea who of course.  No-one signs a text!  You should just know it because of course you kept their mobile number the last time the m8 sent a text...didn't you?

And if you are audacious enough to send one without a signature....it comes back at you 'who are you?' - there is something mildly insulting about that...but there is a reason - they changed their phone and haven't put all the numbers across, the phone was dunked in the bog and lost all data, left phone in a dark corner of pub,  yeah, k, get it...

Don't get me wrong.  I love a mobile phone.  I really do.  There is something reassuring to have it near.  If you waltz off for a very long car journey in a rust bucket, there is a way to contact the AA.  If you are in a shop and see something useful and need to phone your partner to check whether to buy it or not - the moby (aaahhh) comes into it's own. 

Of course, my mobile phone is not a lovely HTC mdooby with lovely apps...I really want one for Christmas but I have as much chance of that as I would do being PM (prime mug).   I guess it's socks and a handbag for me!! 

I need apps (lovely abbreviation).  I need SATNAV (oohhh), Asda, PCS (price comparison sites), FB and many other abbreviations.  This isn't just any desire, this is your M&S desire....

Never mind, still LMAO. 

Mucus

Be serious.  Who writes a whole blog on mucus.  Even the word is viscous and revolting.  But mucus weighs on my mind (literally at the moment).  My daughter has tons of it - looks like the number eleven bus.  I have tons of it.  However, I did look up Sinusitis and it is indeed a veritable disease that anyone can get.  I have it.  Definitely have it. 

Enough of snot.   The weekend is nearly over.   In a way it's a bummer because we all love a long lie.  On the upside of it, I will be back at my beloved desk doing what I love doing.....shuffling paper and being helpful.    Downside is I am nearer to the dreaded client lunch.  Now I am very fond of the people who attend this bash - well all but one maybe.   But the very thought of sitting next to people I don't eat with daily...horrors.    Dutifully I attend every year.   I act like the equivalent of a court jester, get the ice broken, eat my own weight in mange tout and get out of there.  Another year over.  

There is actually a second client lunch - it is for the people who wont attend the first one due to one person (the person I don't like either).  This is much more informal and frankly much better fun.   But don't tell anyone...shhh....

Neither event sports a drink I might add.  Drink driving is a no-no. So, I do all this stone cold sober.  How utterly driven and devoted to my company am I?  If only they knew (and gave me more money). 

Re food.  Scientists have recently discovered a 'brain' in our stomachs.  This 'brain' actually sends messages to the real one about our moods, diseases, our eating habits and so on.  This is why people who go to MacDonalds too often have the IQ of a lettuce (less than a carrot - that's me).   I try and eat a healthy diet and I am sure this helps the rest of me to be more alert.  But it does suggest that our 'gut instincts', IBS, and butterflies are all 'real' issues.   Fascinating.   It's written in Psychology Today - called 'Brain Backup' if you want to have a browse.

Food and Mucus duly dealt with.  

Found out husband also dislikes Haggis.    Another dislike to add to the copious amounts already mentioned in previous blogs.  Never trust anyone who is a fussy eater.    It probably means they are fussy about everything....I should know.  It's a real pain in the Balmoral Chicken....

INSOMNIA AND OTHER THINGS

Sleep - would love to.  Typically, Aspies suffer from bad sleeping. 

Sometimes I am sleepy in times of stress (makes me very sleepy indeed), talking to people, or concentration.   When I should be sleepy, I am wide awake.  Fortunately, I work full time so a sort of sleeping pattern has emerged.    Also, I have a husband who can wake up if you blink near him - he can hear every sound.  I cannot therefore just get out of bed in the middle of the night and potter about before finding the sofa to snooze on (I used to do this all the time).  He gets quite irritated...hmm...but to serve him right.......

It seems I sleepwalk if I am too hot...husband has to follow me as I open the doors and windows before trooping back to bed.    We don't live in the sort of neighbourhood where this is a good idea!   I have frequently been found 'looking for my handbag', 'getting ready to go home' (??) and wanting to go for a drive butt naked...more frequently, I just sit up in bed, look around me and then maybe have quite a good conversation.   Of course, husband isn't that thrilled by all of this.   He wakes up exhausted and grumpy (pretty much his permanent state). 

There are times though when I miss my 3am jaunts - the world is quiet and undemanding.   Thoughts can float into my head and out again without any pressure to conform.  There are no conversations to have, no sounds to jar.    But the morning afters are not blissful at all!

At the moment, my snot-bug is driving me crazy.  I can't breath well.  I am nasal.  It is causing unwanted wakefulness.   I cannot shake it off.    Have tried lots of shop-bought remedies but actually the one thing that has helped is the head over a bowl of steaming water - a little Vicks in for good measure.  I can't actually smell the Vicks or even taste food (quite an advantage in this house).   Is there a bug called Sinusitis - I wonder if I have that.  Like a good hypercondriac  I should look it up (and therefore have it). 

I have been accused of looking up Aspergers and 'having that' by my family.  Highly amusing.    I think it worries them in case I am no longer who they thought I was.  But I will just be the same person - it's just my problems have a name.  Perhaps they don't want me to have 'issues'?   Who can say.   Perhaps they don't really know me at all.  Afterall, I have spent 40 plus years disguising me to the point where 'me' is a fluid thing.   A social chameleon in a mask.   I don't bother discussing it - there is no answer to 'snigger'.  It just holds a grudge.  Best not to waste energy on this.   My BF suggested that all people want a label for their troubles - Aspergers is as good as any I suppose.   What people forget is that there are physiological differences - it's not a flying fancy so much as a biological presence.  



Look up sometimes.  There are great things beyond our eye line that you can miss. 

Calm before the Storm

High winds are forecast - so what says you?  Well, one of my phobias is the weather....ice and wind actually - find it difficult to function under these terrible conditions.

It is also Prelim Time for my son.  He is in a negative frame of mind.  He 'cannot do' first and then five minutes later 'oh, I know this'.  So, I am 'helping' with his maths.  A couple of things we both got stuck on.  It was nearly there but any noise bopped it right back out of the brain....this too will pass....or fail....whichever.   I suppose I want him to pass everything but actually, even if he doesn't get great marks, it will be a kick when he needs it.  Too much time on the Xbox and not enough time on the books leads to..........misery in exams.  Not actually worth it.  Better to study hard for a pretty small period of time and get those grades.   But he has to come to that conclusion himself.  Nothing I say will make any difference.   I could ban the Xbox of course - but that would only achieve hostility.   Possibly failing on purpose?  Who knows.  Kids can be a funny breed! 

So, I am living his panic.  I am stressing about the high winds.  The schools are closing early tomorrow so add in a bit of disruption to my routine and you have it....an Aspie turmoil. 

If only I could take it all in my stride.  But it's all so important.  All terribly meaningful to me.  I would love for my son to feel confident, I would like for it to be a normal winter day (cold and rain but no snow and wind).   I want to sit at my desk in the office until I see the dark sky through the roof windows and realise it's time to pack up...

You can't have everything you want.   Make the best of what you have.  Isn't that what we are told to think?  If only Aspie brains worked that way. 

Keep safe.

Weekend Again

So, I was curious - what did the refurbished Sainsbury look like?  My daughter and I drove along to have a look .  And it is impressive.  They have done a good job.  It was all laid out nicely and bigger and better.  Shame about the throng of people. 

I did indeed attempt browsing the Gok Wan Tu collection - lovely as it is, I couldn't bear people walking behind me so I gave up. 

In a moment of weakness, I bought pizzas for the children's supper and a boxed ready made curry ensemble for me and husband.  As I am full of mucus, I wouldn't be able to taste it anyway so it seemed like a plan.  Indeed supper was received well as my only contribution was warming it up!  Of course I forgot to buy milk....but hey, my Aspie brain was full....no apologies.

Weekends are odd - they are supposed to be relaxing aren't they?  Why is that?  Who has these relaxing weekends?  Certainly not working parents with a couple of small people in the house.  First of all, everyone has clothes.  School clothes, work clothes, casual wear,  and stuff young lad wore to football which is covered in mud and his hanging about the house clothes, and his going out clothes...ergo...a sodding huge load of washing.    Or should I say several loads of washing.  Machine might actually wash but it does not load itself or dry the stuff or indeed fold it and get it to the room it belongs to...that would be me that does that...grrrr. 

I am fortunate enough that we have a iron as you go policy (not everyone believes in this - some people will stand for hours ironing).    Husband and son do their own ironing.    I do smallest person's.  I rarely bother to iron my own clothes.  This, according to husband, is a Bad Thing.   I do not understand.  If there is something I can wear that does not need ironing, all to the good.   If it does need ironing, it goes into depths of wardrobe until I have a mad turn. 

Apart from washing tons of stuff, there is shopping to do.  Now I like to plan my menu for the week - see previous blogs to get the measure of how terrible this is.   I then walk about house taking notes of what we need.  I then hop on line and buy it and have it all delivered.  If I had to go and do a weekly shop in a supermarket with my husband one of us would be dead.   He is very annoying in a supermarket.  'Do we need this?' pointing at something not on my list....'Isn't it cheaper to buy the bigger size?'.....very fecking possibly.....'I don't like them'........who fecking cares?  And it goes on....and on....and on........I could be caught rocking backwards and forwards at the baked beans.........

All these nice things I get delivered need to be cooked....guess who by?  Actually, husband has been taking his turn recently....he is very good at it too which makes me look like a complete failure...but that's another story....

And then there is cleaning.  Now as I have already done all the washing, shopping, cooking, packed lunches, ironing of small persons clothes, bedtimes including a shower and a book for daughter, daily clean of kitchen, and so on, I don't think it's unreasonable to expect the others to chip in.  Daughter (7) has to tidy room (with my help as she is rubbish at this), son does his bedroom and vacuums landing and stairs, husband tackles sitting room, hall and kitchen.  I am left with my bedroom and bathroom.    I do not do bins.   Ever.  Well, not unless I feel in a whirl of energetic lust for heaving stinky black bags about.....

You might think this sounds good.  It is in fact a new thing.  It's only in the last few weeks that this arrangement for cleaning has come about.  After many tantrums, meltdowns, threats of divorce, I finally got husband to see that he must take a shot.  He doesn't do half but he does some which is much more than before.    

My son is not daft.  He realised early on that a guy that can work some magic in the home will get more women.   God bless his teenage heart.   Being a useless fecker like far too many men, leads to being terminally single or the possibility of being stuck with a woman who drinks her own weight in wine daily and has hardly any teeth left.    Attractive modern women don't want immature twits messing up their designer lives.  Quite right too.      I blame the Aspergers for landing in my situation.  I can't tell the difference between a lazy useless twat and a half-decent pull.    By the time I have worked it out...it's too late. 

I also blame the Aspergers for being very, very patient....or on the surface it's patience.    What it is really is very slow processing of information.     My kids are canny on this point and realise they can pretty much do what they want until Mother finally clicks....I forget they are supposed to be doing homework, in bed, not browsing porn on the internet etc., I get caught up in something and my brain shuts out the rest.    Husband likes to remind me of course....he is like a walking, talking memo board......with moaning and criticising thrown in.....I am extremely lucky to have him about.

In the words of the immortal cat Garfield 'Yeah, weekend!'.   

Aspie Revenge

Okay so I still have this cold - and the kids have it too - a mucus paradise....and at night it sounds like a TB clinic but hey...we can still laugh...just.

Needing revenge on my whining family - mainly their whinges at my culinary skills - I decided to show them life on the 'dark side'....in the form of ready made meals.   

Tonight's cardboard and chemical delight was 'Sticky Beef with Vegetable Rice'.  This horror came neatly packed in box and came with own plastic carton with film lid. 

Pierce film lid several times and pop whole lot in oven.  Four neat little packages (no carbon neutral goings on this meal time) tucked in the oven.  Wait half an hour....then peel back film lid and pour table spoon of water on rice....return to oven for more incineration. 

It came out looking like..........well, chemicals and mush....lovely.  It tasted really, truly awful.  Even I struggled and I can eat nearly anything.  The complaints were abundant.  My 15 year old son even offered to do all the cooking from now on.  We discussed the possibilities.

Amused,  I suggest that he try and think of thirty meals that everyone in the house will eat - this is impossible.  I know this because I married Mr Fussy Eater of All Time.   Husband when asked to suggest meals he will eat can only say 'spaghetti bolognese'.   Now this might sound okay but if you have the audacity to serve this meal up once a week....he moans that he is going off it....the only meal he actually likes....this is why murder seems so easy. 

I also mention to son that there is a budget - can't just go and by best cuts of beef, lamb and pork and fingers crossed.    There is a mortgage, childcare and numerous bills to pay... 

Son is reminded that his step father does not particularly like pasta, rice or sauces of any kind.  He does not eat fish, lamb, beef (unless ground) and does not really like pies, casseroles, or flans.  He does not like the same meals to appear every week.  So, from spag bol, you must produce 29 or so different meals based on these ground rules.  Be my guest...cook away! 

And before you suggest it, I have already told my husband that as he is prone to criticise and not to do - he should do all the cooking and food shopping and sort out the menus every week.  As he already knows this is impossible, he declines to do so on the grounds that  it's my job in the house (did I mention he is nearer monkey than man?).    He has a bald patch where I have slapped him down.  Well, I need him to do the light bulbs and get rid of large spiders so I can't actually kill him. 

Back to impossible task.  As it is totally ridiculous to try and make husband see the benefits of my recipes,  my revenge sticky beef should at least make the children grateful for the small mercies that is their mother's cooking.  

Tomorrow is going to be easier.  Grateful to see no boxes, the children will fall upon a decent meal and husband will stay quiet.    If husband even looks like he might moan again, I will delve into the freezer for the ready-made family size chicken hotpot lying in wait.   

Revenge is sweet sticky beef....

The Day After The Aspie Day From Hell

Well, good news - my daughter and I are back on track as best friends again.  Felt so good.

Day was going okay until one of our clients agents rang up and decided it was time for another ding dong - he has been doing this all week!  So, I  listen passively to ranting, screaming and swearing and respond with calm - this is apparently worst thing to do....so, a little more abuse later and I am getting exceedingly bored.  No reasoning with this idiot. 

Aspies can be bullied rather easily - it is not in our nature to fight back (unless under extreme conditions) and it also takes us rather a long time to realise that we are being bullied.   I had several years of it from a former boss (I was one of his main targets although he managed to annoy everyone).    It took someone else to point out that what was happening was indeed workplace bullying.  I had not really understood what was going on!  All I knew was confusion and sadness  - from being highly rated in all my previous jobs and headhunted for jobs by people who heard about how good I am, it was utterly odd to be criticised by someone who was very bad at their own job.    I get it now of course - but Aspie processing does slow you down sometimes...

Anyway,  two blissful years with him gone from the workplace, I wasn't too keen to have to take anymore crap from anyone.    I could recognise the signs this time from the type of phrases used (same as the old boss used to use).     Now, I appear passive but inside am not.  Felt quite disturbed by it all.   I was not the only one that day who got it from this agent - my boss and one of our engineers also suffered verbal abuse.  No matter, the issue has gone higher.....will wait and see what Monday brings.

So, husband is talking to me again.  And he did the dishes after supper and put a wash on....hmm.  Pleasant surprise actually.  I suppose some of what I said must have had an impact.  I like it when he does stuff like that - it's his way of saying sorry - you will never hear the word from his mouth but in what he does - fine by me.  Words are cheap.    We will not discuss the row again I shouldn't think.    The good news is that he isn't feeling wordy or talkative so I can still get some peace.  Except from daughter who needs help spelling things - she is making Christmas cards.....stress rising.....that festival just around the corner.......not happy. 

I still have a cold but there are still things out there to make me happy - my daughter's cheerful warbling as she makes cards, my husbands contented shouting at his ex-box and my son phoning to tell me he will be in at a certain time....

Peace at Last. 

An Aspie Day from Hell

Wont go into too many details but had a major meltdown last night - resulted in me telling my daughter off and rowing with my husband.

Laid back son comes through when it all goes quite 'what were you fighting about then?'
I reply 'a packet of crisps' - son smiles 'serious then' - and I tell him what happened and how I feel rather sorry for myself at that moment.  A bit of sniffing and a tear or two.   He stands there...'I'm not good at this...' and runs back to his room.  This makes me laugh. 

Today started with me still having my cold and then waking my daughter who is all puffed up from crying the night before (I could smother her in cuddles at that moment - I don't of course cos I'm an Aspie and cuddles are pretty bad - you want to, you really do but it's not so great in reality!).  Anyway, I made faces at her until she laughed and then gave her tea and bourbon biscuits for breakfast - she loves this (biscuits for breakfast - that's almost French, isn't it?).

We ended up laughing our socks off and yes, a cuddle happened and I didn't mind so much because she is the nicest person to cuddle in the world. 

All well on that front - although I felt like a heel for shouting at her the night before.  I hate rows.

Got to work feeling hellish - and the day wasn't too bad until the phone started ringing - it pretty much rang again every time I picked up a call until I felt like a receptionist in a corporation of some sort.  I thought, where are my headphones?   

So, a cold, a misery about fighting with people, too many phone calls and then yahoo - a memo with instructions for a new process of invoicing arrives...haven't a clue the first read, pretty much the same with the second read....then it starts to unravel with read 3,4 and 5 and I have.....so many questions...typical.

Processing instructions - one of the fun things I can't do really quickly.  Once it's in, it's in, it just takes it's time getting there....

Hooray.  Time to go home.   I meander my way home, pick up daughter from after school club, buy her sweets to make myself feel better and at home, I start the supper......

Husband comes to table when I shout the shout (like a herd of thirsty elephants racing to a waterhole).   Takes bite of supper....have you put salt on this?    Have you put salt in my supper?   In other words was I trying to poison him....hilarious.    He gets up and leaves the table with the 'I'm very pissed off look'  I have come to recognise.  Children and I make faces at each other and laugh.   Then we eat his dinner too!  Bonus.  No-one else could taste salt (I don't like salty food so if I use any, it's very, very little).  On saying that we all have colds...evil laugh....

So, he has not moved from the sofa and his xbox all evening - is in a huff.  I am not in a huff.  I have meltdowns and then that's it over with.  I just like it when we are not speaking as it's very restful for me.  I make a point of keeping this silent row for a few days so I can get some peace.

My day pretty much sucks eh?  But actually, I can't lie, things did improve.  I played tickle monster with daughter until her bed time - then we cuddled up and had a chat and she is back to her usual self.  Son and I did some maths homework together and sorted it out his prelim timetable. 

Things will be great tomorrow - its Friday, I think I get paid, I am itching to get the advent calendars in preparation for the 1st.  I really want to get them on time this year!   Aspies can forget a lot of stuff....!  But it is on my list of things to do.....if I remember to look at that list we should be fine.....

If I am at war with you, I'm at war with the world..............

Children and Aspergers

I have now been looking into Aspergers for a couple of years and noticed that in the adult population, there are many self-diagnosed individuals.   This can be for a number of reasons.  Firstly, it is extremely difficult to get medical help with such a diagnosis (in adults).    Secondly, autism in general was considered to be a male issue and all the studies involved males. 

When I first started reading about Aspergers, I could see all the traits my brother has but could not really relate to many myself.  I have mentioned in previous blogs the help4aspergers.com website which is where I tripped over the female traits and realised that I had about 98% of those listed. 

Now this is really about children growing up.   No-one really knew about autism or Aspergers when I was growing up - a child was retarted, difficult, challenging or any number of other things.   In this way, my parents and many others like them just dealt with the child they were given.  

Now my brothers traits are far more obvious than mine.  I was mute as a child but considered to be 'painfully shy'.   My brother still appears anti-social whereas I can 'work a room' if I have that attitude.   Far more is expected of females particularly socially (I hope that isn't too much of a generalisation).  

It is believed that women are capable of mimicking social situations better than men and as a result, women as they get older start to 'mask' symptoms to the point where they can appear quite 'normal' (apologies) for short periods of time. 

What I really want to say is this - my parents had no idea what was 'wrong' with me (or my brother).   Throughout my childhood, my brother's eccentricities were more accepted and he was able to 'indulge' his quirks to a large degree.   On the other hand,   I was 'encouraged' to push myself on and on and I think I have achieved a lot through years of repetition and having to survive (I left home at 16).   The upshot of this is that he is not as independent as me - and I would say I am happier than he is.

So what does this mean for parents who are aware that their children are on the spectrum?    My personal view is that anyone on the spectrum should be encouraged to be the best they can be and not held back by over protective parents (naturally so - that isn't a criticism).    Aspies are capable of so much - sometimes their special interests can be developed into useful skills at work and so on.  But on a purely personal level, I think parents expectations should not diminish just because of a diagnosis.   Every child should be treated as if they will accomplish total fulfillment.  It is the driving force of a loving parent that will push the stubborn AS boundaries.  I do not pretend this will be successful in every way as with any other child but surely it's better than sitting back and telling a child that they 'can't do'?

Now, realistically, there are some things Aspies just can't do without it causing serious grief.   But actually, all children are like that about some things - it's silly to deny it.   As a parent, you are aware of your child when they are not sleeping, picky eaters, socially awkward, violent, sensitive and so on.   But not all parents 'give in' to these things.  They get a bed time routine worked out, they encourage children to 'try food', they organise social events their children are comfortable in  - they manipulate, encourage, shout, rant, chat, beg and bribe.    They don't say 'shame, he just can't help it' and put up with it.  If you wouldn't do it with any child, don't necessarily have to do that with an Aspie.   Help them to help themselves as with any other child.  It might take longer, it might need to be done in a different way - it might never happen, but at least you tried.

Maybe I am wrong.  I can't be sure.  I am just saying as I see it.   

It's Monday Again.....

I was always told that if I worked really hard and did well in my exams I would succeed in the work place.    What a lot of crock that was.

Although happy where I work and the job that I do (I shuffle paper) its only because I can control my surroundings in my office more or less to the way that suits me.   Like many Aspies, a little OCD creeps in.  Everything is actually well organised and has it's place.  Things I use frequently like a stapler or hole punch are neatly in front of me an arm stretch away.  The less I use something the further it gets (or goes in a drawer).   All my processes are designed for ease and speed.  

In essence, I am rather efficient in my office - although I have my Aspie moments - usually involving dealing with other people!  

Everywhere I have ever worked has been an accident.  I have chosen jobs that I knew would fit the bill and that I could have my share of control.  These are usually low paid and undervalued positions.  No-one else would be daft enough to do as much, take on anything thrown at them, do without breaks and suffer the indignity of  often working for people far less able than oneself..such is the life of many Aspies. 

Some Aspies don't work - who can blame them.  The sheer hell of office politics, the noise, the pointless conversations, gossip, meanness, the downness that is the moody colleague, fluorescent lighting, hums and drones of machines and screens....it's actually some people's idea of hell.  The stress would kill many of them or deliver them to depression with a bow on. 

Unlike many of my Aspie friends, I can twitter on about nothing quite happily.  I over-twitter if anything.  I find this stops people from asking direct questions (or speaking to me at all, phew).   Direct questions leave me in a state of utter panic even at my ripe old age.  I was born where?  I am how old?  If you can't answer these questions within the blink of an eye, the suspicion is tangible!   I have frequently just made stuff up because I couldn't remember where I was born or my age at that particular moment in time.   The shame of saying 'that wasn't true, actually I am....' .  I dislike dishonesty very much but to confess to such strange things...well, I leave you with that.

I am lucky and I know that.  I know what I am, I know what I want and pretty much am very content with my lot.  I wouldn't say no to a bigger house but doesn't everyone want space?

Where my heart lies is with my brave Aspie friends - perhaps further along the spectrum than me, who struggle with such ordinary things.   And work, isn't it one of life's ordinary things?  An expectation we all have - to get a job, to get a house and a family?  And yet for some people, that is just an impossible dream.  Not for them is that Monday morning feeling - they feel like that every waking minute.   

Tomorrow is Tuesday - am excited already - my lovely desk, my stuff, my paper...great!

Washed Out

I suppose it could just be me, or it could be Aspergers but if I have a full day of talking (usually people talking at me) then my head feels very woolly and my brain just wants to shut down.  I could sleep and sleep!

It has been a hard week for an Aspie - lots going on and changes to routines....arrghhhh.  But less of the week...here is today...

Today of course is the day that the nation goes a little crazy and does Children In Need - I think its a wonderful thing for us all to do.  It makes me cross that we have to of course - there are banks, supermarkets, other large retailers and national companies who could give if they wished - it would be nice if they gave back something to the communities where they make all the money - but no, it's left to ordinary decent people to find a little something left.  In these financially cruel times, I am always amazed how much people are prepared to do. 

Of course in every home, there are small people needing to be dressed in some kind of Pudsey related outfit....my daughter wore a spotty top and Pudsey ears to school today - we had to find these things first of course in the dark and frankly disgusting corners of her room.  I do clean it (after she has done her 'tidy') but the merciless onslaught of crumbed crisps and biscuits which have found their way into her bed and surrounding areas well - the tide cannot be held back (that's how we roll Cannut)!

And then teenage son announces that he is 'going casual' - requires jeans and a top washed and dried at no notice....and then there is a battle over which shirt.   He won.  I ended up ironing these things too as he 'forgot'...typical.

So, just to feel part of it all, I rolled into work in my jeans and a top - felt rather good to be honest. 

But as I arrived at work, the phone rang and then rang, and then rang and then rang again....a few hours later, I finally achieve some peace - until the boss rears his Friday head and am talked to until he disappears to get a hair cut.  Head down I try and do some work...

We get out earlier on a Friday - of course this is deserved after the misery and breakless days but it's still not my routine....sniff.  No complaining.  I collect my daughter who waits until we are two seconds from the house and then launches into a whining campaign.  I lose my head big time.    It happened again later in the evening as I was trying to watch the beloved Terry Wogan do his thing....again, more uncontrollable rage.   It took every morsel of self control not to hit out.  But my head is now pounding regardless.   I want peace, time to myself, quiet, no noise, no talking.  I need time for my brain to fall back into place.   I am a bubble preparing to burst.   Should I mention the chest pains?  Had them all day....if I keel over, remember me kindly please.  I cannot of course go to the hospital as this would require talking and I just can't.  Am sure it isn't a heart attack but then again.......

Up note - my lovely mother had her cataracts sorted and can see!    Yes, she can see how filthy her house is...oh joy.  She now sees the need to hire a cleaner in her new house asap.  Hilarious.

I think it might be time to go and cuddle my beautiful daughter and tickle her feet and sort of make up for being such hard work.   My kids seem to recover quicker than I do after one of my meltdowns.  I think children 'get it' more than older people.  They understand frustration, anger, fury even.      Aww.  She has come to me for a cuddle.   This is what I live for.

Homework and Forgetting it All

Interesting day.....

Touch of sarcasm there...did you spot it?

Right so the day went pretty much as planned.  Catching up with work I missed yesterday from having a day off with my very talkative daughter.

The evening was a bit of a bind.  First of all, supper was nearly an hour late as ribs require a lot of cooking!  The upside of this is that everyone was starving so they pretty much ate without too many complaints (notice the 'not too many' - still had plenty).   There were ribs, spring rolls, fried rice, lemon chicken, satay chicken and chopped veg.  Pretty much I only cooked the ribs - the rest I fear was shop bought.  I am not a fan but everyone else is fairly relieved I didn't cook....read previous blogs for insights into my culinary abilities.  It wont take long....arf. 

Well the downside of late supper is that there is less time for everything else.   Except my son's homework of course.  He has a maths exam on Friday - they call them NABs - don't ask me 'cos I don't actually know what this means.  A test is what we called them.  Anyway, from being quite good at maths, he has taken on the role of 'numpty' and forgotten everything.  He turns his little hopeful face to mine...awww....he is fifteen and not cute anymore....well, maybe just to me.

What we now find is that I am also a numpty - could I remember gradients or standard deviation? Nope.  I do know it.  It is in there somewhere.  It is normally easy-peasy to me. But Aspie brain decides tonight is not the night to reveal all knowledge mathematical.   I gave in eventually and he is asking his teacher tomorrow.  This does not help the Aspie 'must know' imperative that is bubbling inside me.  I will have to steal his booklets and work stuff out myself....in my own time of course....this can be two minutes or two hours depending on the speed of inter-galatic connections of my spacey neurons.  I find it confusing that sometimes things are okay and other times even thinking about simple things is like walking in wellies through mud.  I wish I could be a little more consistent!  Ah well. 

Daughter is now abed and son is playing xbox with step father.  Bonding time.  I leave them to it.  It is frankly the only thing they have in common.   Stops them killing each other so it can't be a bad thing. 

Life in the fast lane.   Be careful where you aim your lights.

OMG - Aspie Overload

Well, it was supposed to be a day off for me so that I could prepare taking my daughter to the dentist.  Rather than suffer the trials of school, I elected to keep her off for the day so that if I could, I would also get her eyes tested.  

Firstly, I was needed in the office briefly in the morning so daughter and I went directly there.  She loves going to my office so this isn't an issue.  What is an issue is my single, childless and confused boss who had a cold and was tired.....mix that with my chatty daughter....

As it transpired, she actually 'got' the fact he was 'not in the mood' and simply stared at him through the glass windows of his office....something which rather put him off his stride in the middle of a chaired meeting! 

It wasn't long before we were back home scrubbing our teeth in readiness to meet new dentist.   My last dentist was great (somewhat insane but great) with me.  He was not child friendly and didn't actually manage to get my daughter to even sit in the chair.  New dentist was fantastic.  Showed her around, got her laughing and in no time, she was out of the chair with a clean bill of health (even after scoffing her own weight in sweets on a weekly basis!). 

She got a sticker.  Nice one.

My turn.  All went well until time came for x-rays.  I have a small mouth (believe it or not) and most dentists have given way to my pleas for child size x-rays.  Not this dude.  He was having none of it - adult size x-rays were going in.    I do on the other hand have a warrior tongue (no rude comments please) and I battled the first x-ray away quite nicely.  Dentist decides to 'relax' the tongue by shoving his paw into my mouth and 'massaging' the gum bed.   If it hadn't been 'less than relaxing' and quite absurd, it would have made quite an erotic scene.  Probably only spoiled by my spurts of objection (for this say 'aaag nog ralaggin').    Get a dentist to translate.  Now all credit to this guy, he got the first one done with admirable firmness.  On for the second.  By this stage we were at it again with the fingers and my tongue flailing around (not so erotically).    Lo, the gag started.   I stopped him in his tracks.  No self respecting dentist wants spew all over his nice clean surgery....

And did he let me off?  No.  A tip 'hold your breath'.  I did same.  X-ray in and out with no further ado.  The guy is a genius.   

I got a sticker.  Nice one.

At this stage I could have happily returned home and watched suicide TV all afternoon but being a good mother decided to brave 'town' to see if eyes could be tested.  Daughter also needed some winter boots - ideal.  

Two hours it took to get 'around town'.  Christmas has started already in the greedy retail establishments around Stirling.  Not happy.  Not even December yet.  Small child like a bloody magpie decides its good to see and touch every single bloody decoration from Next to Marks and Spencer and beyond.    The ancient, the unemployed and the work dodgers were everywhere......I was surrounded and quite uncomfortable.  It's not easy keeping track of an excited child and avoiding eye contract with every patron possible.  Paid a shocking amount for a very small pair of boots in Clarks and then an equally shocking amount for wellies in Debenhams 'designers for children' bit.    Could I shoot all designers?  Would it be justified? 


Got home exhausted.    Thankfully so was daughter.  She did fall asleep for a little bit which was quite nice - finally no talking.  Sadly she woke up to the idea that the large cardboard box her boots came in would make a nice house.......    I did argue to get out of any 'craft like' activity but she was as stubborn as the dentist.  I caved in.   Large cardboard box now a pitched roof Christmas house....and still there is more to be done on it.  Tomorrow night looking fun too then.....heaven help me.

Not surprisingly, I have an Aspie headache, I feel rather vulnerable and not a little fragile.  It's like a hangover without any of the fun getting there! 

Can't wait to get back to my work.....Never did get her eyes tested.....that will have to wait....

Heck..I cooked Again....

Some days the world can feel like it's falling in around you....one minute I am okay and I know what I am doing and am sure of a good result......next thing....tits up. 

Take my cooking for example.  Lots of people are bad cooks....but most of them just don't try.  I do try...I try very, very hard....I follow recipes.....very, very carefully....and still the results are hit or miss. 

This is a bit unfair.  In my head I am a good person feeding my family wholesome stuff and I like my self image of me with the big knife, the chopping board and vegetables....and then something happens....my self image is still very good but the food is rubbish.   

Do I give up?  Unfortunately for my long suffering family...I do NOT give up!!  I keep looking for recipes (as I have said before NT's love variety), I buy fresh food and cook from scratch.....I think from their point of view, microwave dinners are beginning to look attractive...sniff. 

Is this an Aspie thing?  I am not sure but I have a sneaking suspicion it has something to do with the fact that I find time a very difficult concept....timing is quite important in cooking so I have come to realise!!    I can tell the time of course but working out timings is quite another matter....the brain goes into slowmo and usually ends up saying 'who cares?'   A fairly dangerous thing when it comes to cooking chicken and pork of course...........ahem.

This time issue goes hand in hand with the complete inability to process instructions - especially written ones - think recipes, exams, spurious memos at work....hilarious.    It all eventually sinks in but not without a serious amount of head scratching and frustration.

And just when you thought......'she doesn't sound too insane'.......I have just been downstairs to make some chocolate cornflakes cakes with a 'spare' melted marsbar.     I have just force fed my two children to 'try' these.....Success!! ....well, it's hard to fail with melty chocolate.    They were both in bed and not just a little bemused by the offering!    But if you can't be a complete looney sometimes life just wouldn't be worth it.  

So, am I making up for the dreadful meal earlier?  I suspect so.   Aspergers and guilt seem pretty much a marriage made in hell......

What I really need is Jamie Oliver with me at the cooker......I dare say he is too busy but if he turns up one night out of the blue and says 'hey...let's do some cookin' sista' I might forgive his slack language issues and go for it.

Aspergers and Obsessions

The topic being discussed on the FB Adult Aspergers Support Group page is Obsessions.  How do they affect your life?

I am obsessed with Aspergers for a start off.  I suppose that isn't so weird.  Afterall, it has only just become apparent to me that my troubles have a name.  I started looking into AS a couple of years ago - more interested for my brother I might add.  Of course, there was little said about Aspergers in women.  It has been studied in male children on the whole.  However, one tiny snippit mentioned some traits in women on the spectrum (see help4aspergers.com).  I read through the list.  I think there were just two that I could not relate to.  That got me thinking.....and that's when I joined the group on Facebook.  Since then, it has just sort of sunk in that I am mildly autistic.  I am not entirely convinced that autism is Aspergers and Aspergers is autism - but I bow to greater minds than mine.  Anyway, here I am obsessing happily about it all.  I look foward to talking to my Aspie FB friends and discovering all the ways Aspergers rules their world. 

Some people are just like me.  They are married with children and find it all a little difficult (to say the least).  Others are more severe (it seems harder for the guys?).   Some of these wonderful people will never have full blown relationships, never work, never be able to venture outside of their own bubbles without it causing extreme pain (physical and mental).  They are heros/heroines.  Brave beyond my imagination and wonderful, creative, stunning creatures who weave their magic all over the world.   They write, they draw and paint, they build bridges, they champion the hard done by, they push boundaries through IT.  In fact, without a world of Aspies, we would still be living in caves! 

Like most Aspies, there are the obsessions.  Some have one enduring one (my brother has been interested in horse racing since he was tiny), some have many re-occuring ones, others have serial obsessions.  I suppose that sounds like me.

If I come across something that interests me, I will study it hard until I know it inside out - then it will be replaced by something else.  I also like games like spider solitaire, bubble shooter, and cube crash.  I go in cycles of playing these over and over again - sometimes it's not about the winning or the big scores, I just go through the motions - I suppose it's relaxing for me?

I am also obsessing currently about healthy eating.  I like real food anyway but have been off sweets, fats, and processed foods (to a great extent).  I would eat the same things every day but this isn't an option with NT's (neurotypicals).  NT's like variety.   I don't care much.    Some of my old flat mates can remember my tuna mayo mush and it worried them that I could eat that daily for months on end.   I just like to expect my food!    Once I like it, I like it for ages and then one day it changes and then that's the new favourite for months.    I have the same breakfast and lunch daily because I am at work so no-one is bothered about it - although my boss thinks its funny. 

Other current obsessions (a long enduring one) is work.  I think about my job rather more than is healthy.  If there is a problem I just love to sit and get a lightbulb moment and then I cant wait to get into work to try out my solution.   Unfortunately,  this is a problem when my youngest is ill or something.  I have actually taken her into work with me rather than miss out....I hate being off.   Aspies make rather good employees for that reason!  I was bullied at work for a few years and it took it's toll - I had a high absenteeism rate - but since that person is no longer working with me, I think I have had two days for a severe stomach infection - the whole family came down with it and I couldn't actually get out of bed.  I took my daughter in with me and we just slept and slept.  It was truly horrible.  I digress.  I was merely trying to impress upon everyone that for me to be off work, it has to be a real problem.   

Holidays can be difficult for that reason as well but because I miss my children so much during the week, it is sometimes just wonderful to chill out with them and not be worried if they want long conversations!  I don't have to keep to a timetable so I can afford to sit and listen.  Aspies can listen very well!   I was a Samaritan for a while.  I do not like drunks much but I can cope with just about anything else. 

Well, look at me rambling on like an old hag.   I meant to add that some Aspie obsessions can be unhealthy - I wonder if my brother's obsession with horse racing isn't a bit 'all consuming' but it is all he does all day every day - apart from eating and watching high brow quizzes - he is ultra clever and has a great memory - in terms of genetic sharing, he got the good bits and I got what was left over....jammy sod.   It would be quite cool to be good at something...

My mother says I am good at fishing for compliments....moo....she is extremely funny.    I get on better with her now because she used to be diplomatic (and very hard for me to understand - I used to get cross with her because she was a bit blurry)  - now she has opinions and she makes damn well she uses them....at least I know where I stand.  It is far more comfortable than having to guess!! 

Shall I mention my weird relationship with nicotine.  Best not.  Save it for another day, another blog. 

My son is swearing his head off in his room.   A good parent would sort that out.  An Aspie parent wonders whether he can spell all those words properly....

Aspie Headaches

Well it seems that headaches are part of Aspie life and we must learn to endure (or take pain killers - which ever works best).

Headache today arose from stress (this is actually how it happens every time with me).  I either get a knot in my colon (IBS) or headache.  Nice eh?

Anyway, why the stress?  Things that most people can take in their stride cause me abject misery - but don't feel sorry for me.  If I am busy stressing, I am not obsessing about other things that could be a great deal worse.

So, Sunday morning - I like my children (and husband) to tackle the housework - I do more than my share (and then some) every day of the week so this is only fair.  Anyway, the children have to tidy their rooms.  Callum has extra duties as he is 15 - vacuum landing and stairs.  Husband does ground floor.   Trying to get them to actually knuckle down is tricky - when I managed it, I was bombarded with requests for help from Rebecca (aged 7) - I was a tad busy sorting out washing, the shopping and cleaning the kitchen.  Not a good mix.   Anyway, she actually did a fair job and I went in to help at the last bit and vacuum.   Son and husband actually did a fair job too! 

The house isn't beautiful and never will be - it has been 'down to the plaster' for a couple of years in readiness for decorating but neither my husband nor I have the time/ability.  So it will stay like that I guess.   My house is also way to full of 'stuff' which is my place of misery.  If I had my way, no-one would have anything but exactly what they need (especially hoarding husband who keeps everything 'just in case' - sadly the event where a heap of spent batteries are required has never come to pass).    

We need to move house so that there is a forced removal of rubbish....hmmm....

Anyway, my daughter has graduated from playing Cbeebies games on my PC to watching porn....indeed!!!  She was looking for music videos having a thing for 'Moves like Jagger' - a fairly inappropriate song (hopefully she doesn't get it).    So, I came up stairs to check on her and she came bombing out of my room looking guilty.  Alarm bells.     I looked up my history....gulp - stuff on there I wouldn't even watch (well, all of it - I am not a fan of pornography).    So, spoke to her about it, asked if she had any questions.....shake of head and a tear later....we are not letting her back on the PC without full supervision.....

Well, I went downstairs a bit shocked and passing the window in the kitchen noticed police cars and ambulance....an incident.  I will not go into details.  It doesn't seem right but obviously involved a couple of lads who maybe have been drinking/doing drugs?   Armed police.....

Now to the bit which is getting me down.  I am trying to roast a shoulder of pork.   Trouble is, the crackling is very crackly and the damn thing still has a good deal of cooking time left....sniff....another culinary disaster.   I blame the Aspergers....for anything I can't do!! 

So, all in all, a fairly busy day for an Aspie.   No time to sit and gather thoughts.   No time.  The story of my life. 

Loud Bangs

There are fireworks going off in all directions - I can hear them. 

We had our mini display in the back garden to appease the small person.    After admitting I was terrified, she took me in hand!

So a round of screaming, ear blocking and running in circles - I had to cope somehow!   I suppose it adds to the 'fun' - seeing your mother nearly out of her mind with fear....It is only in the last couple of years I have learned to be okay with sparklers....

These mini displays in the back garden are still better than the tortuous arranged public displays.  I have been to a couple of these and quite frankly, it would have been a better evening being chased round the kitchen table by a mad axeman.  

Now today was a day of 'making'.  I started rather late having slept like the dead for a shameful amount of time (Aspies get tired out from all the nonsense around them).   But I decided to make soup and a fine soup it is.  All things bright and beautiful - there were carrots, chopped tomatoes, red lentils, a red onion, smoked paprika and a teeny bit of ginger from some heat.  I like mine blended as I am not a huge fan of 'lumpy' soup.  Dunking wholemeal bread into soup is one of the better things in life.  Anyway, it is very good for the children and they did enjoy it for lunch.   For some odd reason I wanted to 'make' chocolate covered marshmallows so that was duly taken care of.  With a little 'help' from Rebecca.  Things that children help to make should come with a government health warning - lots of licking of fingers and touching the food....yuk. 

The best thing was 'making' a berry juice.  Rebecca and I braved another supermarket (for someone who hates them I sure spend a lot of time in them).  I did need to take paracetamol before heading out of the door - primarily because Rebecca was doing the non-stop chat.    I was rather stressed.   Anyway, we returned back with ingredients and shoved strawberries, blueberries, ice and fizzy water into the blender.  Whizzed this.  Poured it out - delicious - had 3 glassfuls.  

Now I don't know if this is an Aspie thing but it is something that I do often.  Someone just happens to mention something e.g Spock (Starship Enterprise) and there I have to go and google stuff all about Spock for sometime.  I frequently post my favourite bits on FB and wait for comments.   Now from the Spockism 'I am making a mnemonic memory circuit from stone knives and bearskins' - the name MacGuyver came up - if I am right, this is a reference to a detective on US television who could make stuff out of virtually nothing e.g. paperclip becomes aerial.  This led me to look up other 'MacGuyvers' and I came across the hugely funny Mrs McGyvers Household Journal - a sort of 1950's take on Mrs Beaton.   Now this journey is not untypical of my little knowledge trails.  I find something, I look it up, I know it for about two days and then I forget it.  Very useful ability when reading crime stories.  I have read and re-read all by Agatha Christie and never tire! 

Got to go now.  Need a soothing cup of green tea and a chocolate covered marshmallow. 

Parents Evening and Other Breaks to the Routine

Well, it's been a busy old time.  First of all Samhain and Halloween - these things need 'organised'.  I had to brave 3 supermarkets to get the last misshapen pumkin from Sainsbury!  All was well, the beast was lovingly carved into a scary face and the 'alter' set up - included nuts and fruit (and a few sweets) but no skull - just taking it too far that is.    So, how do Aspies like Halloween ?  Well, I prefer the more Celtic traditions but modern Halloween is fine for children.  Some Aspies don't like the 'feel' of dressing up clothes or masks on their face.  If they have social phobias - there will be no door knocking!   And of course the rather eerie nature of it all can spook some Aspies too.  

Rebecca was high as a kite when I picked her up from her after-school club.  She donned her shop bought witches outfit, scoffed a meagre supper and we went out guising.   Fortunately she only expects to do half a dozen houses - lucky me - only had to speak with a few neighbours - random torture but it didn't drag.  

A tip to deal with the little angels that appear on your doorstep with great expectations - bag up before hand.  Don't hand them a bowl or the first guisers will rob you blind.  I just put some sweets, monkey nuts and a couple of lollies in individual bags.  I can then count the eejits on the doorstep very quickly, toss some bags at them and they disappear into the darkness.

Guisers nowadays are a bit lame...gone are the terrible jokes or silly songs - now they just appear with an open Asda bag and look at you as if you had two heads.   They have annoyingly adopted the phrase 'trick or treat' in some cases - so I say 'treat please' - also met with blank stares....apparently it's just something you say...you don't actually expect them to 'do' anything....so it's pretty rubbish.   For an Aspie it's just plain confusion - why say it????

Anyway, my Rebecca actually wrote a poem for the event and made each poor neighbour listen - serves them right.   I get a malicious pleasure out of it.   It was a bloody good poem though.  They were lucky. 

Have I mentioned the Halloween disco at the school - that was last week.  Another evening of dodging people - I find looking down at my shoes usually stops any eye contact.  Only people who know me well will say 'hello' - I don't mind that.  Anyway, two routine busting events in a very short space of time - of course I stressed about it all.

Talking of which - more stress - parents evening.    Sitting amid endless parents and teachers.  If it was a dream, I would have woken up in a cold sweat begging for mercy.  But like everything else, I made it through and actually Rebecca is doing well at school - the fact that she is chatty also mentioned by the teacher....read previous blogs to get the full effect of this remark. 

Next problem is fireworks night.  I don't really like fireworks - too noisy, too bright, too much.  But we endure for the children - it's still part of our traditions so we just put up with it!     After that we have the countdown to the miserable tradition of Christmas.   My heart sinks.  It is so disruptive, so over stimulating, so exhausting.   I really wish it could be cancelled  - in fact I often fantasise about becoming a Jehovas witness - they rubber it big time.  I am sure God knew that it would turn into a circus!    Christmas Day is the day I have a drink...of alcohol that is.  I get splattered.  Apparently I am highly amusing before I sink into a chair and snore loudly.    Pretty lucky. 

Have been quite a good parent today.  Am pleased with myself.   Me to Facebook - see my Aspie friends and get cyber hugs and sympathy - one of the joys of knowing other Aspies is just not having to explain myself.  All I need say is 'parents evening' and they go 'awwww'.    Am a very happy person today. 

Stress, Anxiety and Aspergers

Because of a lack of diagnosis, people always just thought I was highly strung. 


When I was very young, I was an extremely whiny child.  It drove my family potty.  I read somewhere (can't remember) that whining in children is their way of expressing anger in a more acceptable way than smashing things up (I wouldn't have done that as I hated mess).     Driving along in the back of the car one day (with all my siblings and I squashed in the back - I have 3 brothers and 1 sister), I think I took the whining too far.  My mother leaned over and thwacked me one across the face.  That sure shut me up!  

I don't think anyone realised I wasn't wired up the same as 'normal' people.  My brother - who is a typical aspie - had definite odd behaviours and my mother's instinct was to protect him.  She still does.  Being a girl things were different.  More was expected I suppose.  Autism was a boy issue - girls were just being scatty or difficult. 

Anyway, because of this or despite it (who can say) I forced myself to be less shy, I fought my way through panic attacks, depressions, hellish relationships, stress, agoraphobia, social phobias.  I studied hard after work to get qualifications - if only to prove to myself I wasn't completely thick (but also because I have to know things).   I worked hard at work too and made my way in to office management.  It's a thing I am good at and I have stayed with.    Never got further than this despite being very well qualified but as I have mentioned in previous blogs, I think I come across as scatty and weird. 

In a way I do regret not knowing about Aspergers sooner - perhaps I would have been able to explain things to people around me I cared about - most people don't stick around.    Once someone isn't around me all the time, I can almost 'forget' their existence.  It's bizarre.  It does not mean I don't love them.  I just 'get used to' the new routines of them not being there.  I think it hurt too many people to believe that 'out of sight' really did mean 'out of mind'.   It isn't strictly true.  I see my best friend once a year and we don't communicate regularly but I very rarely go through a whole day without her popping into my head.   This friendship has lasted over twenty years - precisely because no demands are made.   If I don't want to visit her (in London) even if I am expected, it's okay to cancel last minute without a shower of abuse.  Likewise, she may do this with me too.  It's one of our 'rules'.   Not too many calls or texts or emails either - no one likes being 'forced' to reply/respond.   It's all done through telepathic love.   But the joy of hearing her voice, or getting an email is beyond measure.   I know there is no pressure, no social niceties to comply with - I can just be me.   I haven't actually discussed Aspergers with her yet - I do wonder how she will respond to this.

Other things I might like to have known before - that I am not thick - I just process information a different way.   Verbal and written instructions are difficult for me and so I have to really be careful in exams - might have done better in my IQ test if I had been prepared for it!  I was only little and frankly I thought it was some kind of conspiracy  - a whole exam of trick questions.  I never did find out what the 'score' was but I am guessing I was near enough a carrot.   I didn't even bother to answer half the questions as I really didn't get what they were on about.!  I have tried a few on line IQ tests more recently and I am pleased to say, I am still a carrot....woohoo.   This might be okay for some people but I just happen to be born into a family of extremely clever academic people - not much sympathy there then....

It is not easy to watch siblings doing no work and coming out with A results.  I had to study like crazy for a C....grrr.....

Also, I have one brother who is a gifted musician and an A student.  It can really piss you off.   Fluent at languages, any musical instrument, could remember all the books he read and quoth to hearts content in Latin if need be....OMG...and he is a good looking bloke.   So not fair.....sniff...

So, as the black-sheep of my own particular brood, I will shuffle off and be average or crap at everything. 

Another Aspie Day

Well, luckier than normal - could understand nearly everyone today...except my boss who telephones me from his car - he also mumbles which is really annoying!  Anyway, he phoned a few times from his mobile and mumbled away happily - I had to stretch my hearing to full capacity to get every other word.  Anyway, I failed big time so had to come up with reasonable little phrases like 'Mmmm...yeah....'.  Not a good response if he was mumbling questions. 

The problem extends beyond my auditory difficulties....I also was tuned into my work (paper shuffling big time) and had to tune out to 'listen'.   Grumpy I was.   

It wasn't just my dear boss either - had to put up with many calls interrupting my beloved work.  But being there on the end of a phone is also part of my job.   Now quite often I am adept at chatting rubbish for long periods of time.  Unfortunately an inevitable spout of too much personal information will be let loose on my unsuspecting telephone comrade.   Most people can handle it - they think I am insane - but they can take it....

These same comrades will phone a couple of days later expecting the same treatment only to be met with Mrs Mute.   Has she got a split personality?  She just might have....

Now I have also taken to telling anyone who will listen that I am on the spectrum - this is met with dumb stares (at least I think that's what the reaction is - not always easy to tell).  Either nobody knows what Aspergers is or they are just shocked that I have only finally realised..

Right.  Am off to see what is happening on Facebook - my preferred way of socialising.    

One More Day!

Well, I had a good day - couldn't really understand anyone at all but as I was on my own for a good part of the day I didn't actually care!  I suspect it's really annoying for anyone trying to communicate with me but that's sort of tough...lol

Homework night - my daughter had 3 lots of homework as I think she forgets to bring her jotter home!  Anyway, we started at 6.45pm and finished at 8.00 pm.  It wasn't that there was massive amounts of homework, it's just that she talks, and talks, and talks....my ears were wilting!

I have an hour to myself before my son and I tackle his revision homework for business studies.  Luckily it's marketing and I have a diploma in that.  I have lots of qualifications which I never use.  Part of the fun of being an Aspie is that you can be as clever as you like but because your communication skills suck people think you are too weird and you get overlooked for more challenging jobs and/or promotion.  Not every Aspie gets this - there are some companies who actively seek out the high IQ types who are a whizz with computers.  Microsoft has more than their fair share.   If you have an Aspie child try and think about what special interests they possess and see if that can be translated into a job - if it can then encourage!  

My work is in an office - I like offices in general (particularly all the gadgets e.g. staplers, hole punches, and date stamps).  This was one of my special interests.  I can also see office processes from start to finish in my minds eye so I make a damn good office manager.  I can set up procedures or rectify bad ones.  In the past I have been head-hunted for these very talents.  It takes time and dedication but I can get most offices running like clockwork - I have never failed in this.    The office I run at the moment is exciting because things change regularly so you have to adopt a fluid approach - I love the challenge of having to assimilate new processes and procedures when things change. 

Obsessions are common with Aspies - we call them 'interests'.  I am like that with my work.   Many Aspies are like that so make very reliable staff.    They don't like breaks in their routine so are only off if they have to be.  They work solidly through the day without chatting (although I am a chatterbox on the phone) and will do more than is asked of them.  A great many employers are missing a trick!   

So, I'm off to help my son with his homework. 

A great day.

Back to 'Normal'

Well, I coped rather well with a whole week off work - I didn't even mind the lack of real routine.  But I am really pleased to be going back to work tomorrow.  Can't wait in fact.  I love the routine of it all as it keeps me rolling just nicely!

Did brave yet another supermarket today - it wasn't one I usually go to so I was more worried about the drive there and back - as it happens I managed fine and didn't get stressed at all.

I think remarkable things are happening as a result of getting some support from my Facebook group - it really is making me more confident because I know what is happening to me if I feel worried, stressed, confused or angry and frustrated.  It's all okay.

Anyway, will post again soon. 

Birthday Girl

It was my little girl's birthday today - she is seven.  As per previous posts, my daughter has a non-stop talky nature.  Today it was on over-drive! 

Of course it is to be expected but a whole day of it and not being able to tell her to be quiet was feckin' annoying.  I had to be nice mum most of the day.

Now, I love my sister-in-law but did she have to by a Disney Princess Microphone?  Hilarious that it plays a snippet of what I believe is a Strauss waltz - a little 'edumeecashun' chucked in for good measure.  Anyway, it makes noisy kid into mega noisy kid - but she loves it.  I can be tolerant - especially with a dose of pain killers to hand....

Worst part of the day - a trip to Burger King in Stirling.  The place is a tip.  The staff seemed clueless, the wait was ridiculous (fast food it aint), the meal was just awful.   We rarely go to these places because for the amount spent, we could have eaten like kings at home - but we did feel a little bad for Becks.  

A seven year old with middle-aged parents...(her half-brother who she adores is on holiday with his Dad this week), couldn't do a party, and none of my husband's children from his first marriage recognise any relationship with her - they weren't going to visit or send a card for sure. 

A dilemma for me.  Not for her dad.  He tends to visit his own children without me or Rebecca and certainly not with my son.   But I reckon from their point of view another child from a different mother isn't something they relish?  Who knows.   Anyway, I don't tag along usually - I think its important for his first children to feel they have access to their dad without his 'new family'?   Just feel that to cope with it all my husband needs to put it all in compartments.   I can get that. 

I would love to hear from people with step-families to see how they cope with it all. 

Another Day, Another Overload

Well, it serves me right.  My little girl can talk....and she did...all day - I actually had to ask her to stop talking in the supermarket just so my brain could have a rest and remember what we were actually there for!   Super-torture. 

What a little superstar she is - having got her mits on a rather advanced text book on Animals, she decided that I was to draw several of these animals so she could devise her own books (notice the plural there).

I am not an artist.   However, trying to be motherly, I did the deed and we have succeeded in producing two badly drawn books - just to make it a little educational, I made sure it was all labelled correctly...I have a degree in biological sciences - hope my angel doesn't get too interested in it.  There is very little you can do with a biology degree unless its a superfirst one with lots of post graduate 'stuff' slammed on the end.   

Teaching is not an option.  30 of the little lambs in the same room.  I would be dribbling in a corner somewhere begging to be left to die.  

By two o' clock today, I had a major headache (a lot of chatter can do that to an Aspie).   No damn films on the TV (one-eyed nanny) to give me a small breather (what is the point of paying that much for Sky only to be let down?). 


At 4pm I threw a chicken in the oven.  This was covered in herbs out of my own garden - virtuous or what?   I got a brief ten minutes to myself so I finished my book on my Kindle and then started to prep the rest of the dinner.

Husband arrived back from work - doing a little overtime.   He was not as grumpy as usual but did tell me about his day - more chatter.....luckily I don't actually have to listen to any of it as it's normally repeated a couple of times later on. 

So, after dinner - did I get to sit down and relax.  Nope.  No sooner had my bum hit the chair, a small voice insisted I finish her animal books.  This done it turned out she needed her shower.   Well, all is now quiet from daughter's room - her tooth came out so the fairy has a pound waiting...........lets hope I don't forget.  I did it once and the guilt ripped me apart.

One good thing did happen - the little angel let me know her toenails needed a clipping.  Aspies can forget this sort of thing easily - along with dentist appointments, doctors, hair washing, and all manner of other things people seem to manage with perfect ease in other households.....I keep trying though.  No point in giving up now.

I miss my son.  He has gone to his fathers for the October week.  He doesn't say much so it's relaxing for me to have him around.  He also makes me laugh which is a bonus.    The two of us fought the world alone for several years so there is a bond there (I hope it lasts).  Do all children wake up one day and hate their parents?  I dread that.  I know I haven't been a great parent but I sort of hoped I had made the grade in some respects.   

Right.  I am off to hunt out new recipes to torture my lovely family with.  They really do hate my cooking.  Ungrateful bunch! 

My Brain is Full!

Last couple of days have been a nightmare in terms of understanding anything being said to me....

My poor boss gets so frustrated but I really can't understand a word he says if the radio is on or if its raining on the metal roof of our office or indeed if I am absorbed in a task in the office.    The part of my brain that receives signals must just shut down for a rest or something.

This can be triggered by having a full brain (!) i.e. thinking about what I am doing or what I am going to do, hormones (can depend on the ups and downs of womanhood), external factors like noise as mentioned above.  All of these things contribute to make me look glaikit (daft as a brush).  I have a special look - eyes wide open, mouth repeating what is being said to me...and then having to ask for a repeat performance and then still not getting it.  Sometimes just one word in three - not great....

Anyway, when I get home its pretty bad too.  My husband likes to tell me in yawning detail about his day at work, my youngest (who is very loud) likes to yell/tell me about her day too.  Fortunately my son is a monosyllabic teenager.....very restful.  He can grunt too.    To buy myself some time, I get busy cooking pretty much as soon as I am through the door.  I can absorb myself in this task and block out quite a bit (not great for everyone else).   By eating time, I can cope with table talk and eye spy and the giggling, farting, burping and elbows on the table malarky that goes with my family supper.

Then I escape to my room and relate to my computer....sometimes I get a whole five minutes without the sound of 'mum'.....I even reply 'whitnoo?' like a really caring, sharing mummy....it does not phase my children at all.  Pity.

Bed time is great.  No talking, listening or even much mental agility required........bliss.

Overload

Had a good day all in all.  The overload of senses has calmed down now and no headache for a change! 

So, I got to see a beautiful baby, a mate dropped by at work, I laughed a lot, my son's school report was good, my husband was unusually cheerful, my daughters new dress fitted a treat and the evening meal was edible (I wont say good - let's not stretch it). 

I was overwhelmed at work and a bit short with everyone when I got in - I needed brain space - brain hadn't caught up.  But hey, it all worked out okay.

I was on FB on the Adult Aspergers page and enjoyed catching up on there and having a banter with my Aspie friends - I love that I don't need to explain anything.  Everyone just accepts you - mad as a brush is fine! 

Yesterday I did over indulge in one of my special interests - 1930's moderne houses - I splatted my FB page with loads of pictures.  Well, its my page and I will do as I please. 

Now I am accepting that I am an Aspie, I have been able to release the real me in dribs and drabs - its a very liberating experience.  

Now to start my campaign to stop people from wearing perfumes.  Not nice smells!!!!!!

Hands up if you want to rid the world of stink!  Me...

Right.  Gotta get going.  Bed and then work in the morning - lovely routine...ahhha...

Off Out

Anxiety level quite high - I have to go out and spend money....this isn't a good thing.  First of all I don't want to go out and secondly I don't really want to spend money.  I have a thing about that.  It isn't meanness - I would buy anything for anyone else.  Its just buying stuff for myself that does my head in.

Typical.  A woman's lot to be guilty??  Who knows.

Meltdown

Yesterday was horrendous - first of all I had to brave a busy supermarket - the sights, sounds, smells, possibility of being bashed into = all of these things cause stress and anxiety.  The busier the place is, the worse this gets.

Well, it would have been nice to come home to a quiet house and just calm down for a bit.  Husband decides to get his jam on with some crappy music and lo, I have a damn headache which just pounds with the beat.  So, I ask awfully nicely if he could turn the music down a fraction.  Errr.  NAW.  Apparently I could feck off and take a paracetamol.  So wonderful to be loved and cherished in this way.

He did eventually turn it down but not before having a good old rant at me first.  This did wonders for my head.   

But of course he should be able to do as he pleases in his own home....actually, I only wish that were true.  Then I wouldn't have to do any washing, cooking, cleaning, shopping or damned ironing...but there you go.

If I were a nasty battleaxe, I would probably be treated better.  Being nice to look at (well, I was when young) and kind and thoughtful and considerate means you get treated like a punch bag.    Hilarious,

I am taking a poll on this -- if you think women should be treated like dirt, put your hand up...then I can bite it...lol

Use a site on FB called Adult Aspergers Support - really great group of people sharing their reality without being judged. 

Day to Day

Hi - I suspect I am on the autistic spectrum....Aspergers Syndrome is a mild form of autism and high functioning.  I look normal, I sound normal (ish) and I act normal (ish).  It's only when you get to know me that you realise that something isn't quite right!

At 47, I have managed to mask a lot of the so called symptoms.  I can look people in the eye when I have a conversation.  I can just about understand all of what is being said to me.  I do still have problems with understanding instructions but that is over come by me acting as if I am a nitwit.

I do not stim in company (stim is a term used for repetitive physical movements e.g. rocking back and forward).  I do stim when really upset - mine is a wringing of hands - well, I place my left thumb in the palm of my right hand swivel and repeat.  Try it!

Sensory overload is a difficulty - I have hypersensitivity to smell - most people reek to me.  I especially hate any form of perfume.    Old age has seen to the hypersensitivity to hearing but I can detect a buzzing insect from several feet still...

Unfortunately for me I was not born with a high IQ - my brother (who is a typical Aspie - although also undiagnosed) got all the brains.   This is quite unfair....at least being a brainy geek might have been a compensation..?  Who knows.  He doesn't seem to like it much.  

If I meet you once - don't expect me to recognise you until you speak.  I don't do faces.  I probably wouldn't know if you were angry or irritated until you told me.  I can however get the happy smiley face - after years of practice.

My spelling is quite bad - forgive me.  I am told this is typical of Aspies - a form of dyslexia.   I think I do okay despite that - because I read a great deal.  However, my grammar still sucks. 

Special interests?  Well, more typically the Aspie lads will have one specific interest e.g. cars, computers and in my brothers case, horse racing.  Aspie Lasses are a little bit more diverse.  I like 1930's cars, houses (moderne), fashions and Agatha Christie books.     I also like house plans in general and can look at them for ages.   Other interests include offices and American Indians.   Lucky for me I work in an office and can use a stamp every day if I want.  Hilarious.

Daily life can be quite chaotic so routines are essential for me.   By adding showers and clean clothes into the routine I am glad to say my hygiene standards aren't bad.  Left to my own devices I would wear the same things daily (not because I want to be a mink but I am compelled). 

during the day (breakfast and lunch) I will eat the same things - for months/years until the next new obsession comes along.  I am forced into offering variety to my family because for some reason this is a Good Thing....

Children - hmmm...I love mine to bits as you would expect.  But the chaos, smells, noise, really overloads me.  I have to be careful not to take my frustrations out on my children.    They love me though and both say I am a great mum.  Good to hear - even though I know their experience is very limited.  

Talking of children - sometimes forget to cut toenails, do dentist, homework and so on.  They aren't in my routine.  Fortunately my husband is there to remind me or indeed the children will sort themselves out or tell me to do something.  Lucky me. 

Anyway, this is just a snap shot - there is far more to it than that.  But please let me know if you want any information.  I will always be happy to do that.