Tuesday, 29 November 2011

Aspie Revenge

Okay so I still have this cold - and the kids have it too - a mucus paradise....and at night it sounds like a TB clinic but hey...we can still laugh...just.

Needing revenge on my whining family - mainly their whinges at my culinary skills - I decided to show them life on the 'dark side'....in the form of ready made meals.   

Tonight's cardboard and chemical delight was 'Sticky Beef with Vegetable Rice'.  This horror came neatly packed in box and came with own plastic carton with film lid. 

Pierce film lid several times and pop whole lot in oven.  Four neat little packages (no carbon neutral goings on this meal time) tucked in the oven.  Wait half an hour....then peel back film lid and pour table spoon of water on rice....return to oven for more incineration. 

It came out looking like..........well, chemicals and mush....lovely.  It tasted really, truly awful.  Even I struggled and I can eat nearly anything.  The complaints were abundant.  My 15 year old son even offered to do all the cooking from now on.  We discussed the possibilities.

Amused,  I suggest that he try and think of thirty meals that everyone in the house will eat - this is impossible.  I know this because I married Mr Fussy Eater of All Time.   Husband when asked to suggest meals he will eat can only say 'spaghetti bolognese'.   Now this might sound okay but if you have the audacity to serve this meal up once a week....he moans that he is going off it....the only meal he actually likes....this is why murder seems so easy. 

I also mention to son that there is a budget - can't just go and by best cuts of beef, lamb and pork and fingers crossed.    There is a mortgage, childcare and numerous bills to pay... 

Son is reminded that his step father does not particularly like pasta, rice or sauces of any kind.  He does not eat fish, lamb, beef (unless ground) and does not really like pies, casseroles, or flans.  He does not like the same meals to appear every week.  So, from spag bol, you must produce 29 or so different meals based on these ground rules.  Be my guest...cook away! 

And before you suggest it, I have already told my husband that as he is prone to criticise and not to do - he should do all the cooking and food shopping and sort out the menus every week.  As he already knows this is impossible, he declines to do so on the grounds that  it's my job in the house (did I mention he is nearer monkey than man?).    He has a bald patch where I have slapped him down.  Well, I need him to do the light bulbs and get rid of large spiders so I can't actually kill him. 

Back to impossible task.  As it is totally ridiculous to try and make husband see the benefits of my recipes,  my revenge sticky beef should at least make the children grateful for the small mercies that is their mother's cooking.  

Tomorrow is going to be easier.  Grateful to see no boxes, the children will fall upon a decent meal and husband will stay quiet.    If husband even looks like he might moan again, I will delve into the freezer for the ready-made family size chicken hotpot lying in wait.   

Revenge is sweet sticky beef....

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