Stress, Anxiety and Aspergers

Because of a lack of diagnosis, people always just thought I was highly strung. 


When I was very young, I was an extremely whiny child.  It drove my family potty.  I read somewhere (can't remember) that whining in children is their way of expressing anger in a more acceptable way than smashing things up (I wouldn't have done that as I hated mess).     Driving along in the back of the car one day (with all my siblings and I squashed in the back - I have 3 brothers and 1 sister), I think I took the whining too far.  My mother leaned over and thwacked me one across the face.  That sure shut me up!  

I don't think anyone realised I wasn't wired up the same as 'normal' people.  My brother - who is a typical aspie - had definite odd behaviours and my mother's instinct was to protect him.  She still does.  Being a girl things were different.  More was expected I suppose.  Autism was a boy issue - girls were just being scatty or difficult. 

Anyway, because of this or despite it (who can say) I forced myself to be less shy, I fought my way through panic attacks, depressions, hellish relationships, stress, agoraphobia, social phobias.  I studied hard after work to get qualifications - if only to prove to myself I wasn't completely thick (but also because I have to know things).   I worked hard at work too and made my way in to office management.  It's a thing I am good at and I have stayed with.    Never got further than this despite being very well qualified but as I have mentioned in previous blogs, I think I come across as scatty and weird. 

In a way I do regret not knowing about Aspergers sooner - perhaps I would have been able to explain things to people around me I cared about - most people don't stick around.    Once someone isn't around me all the time, I can almost 'forget' their existence.  It's bizarre.  It does not mean I don't love them.  I just 'get used to' the new routines of them not being there.  I think it hurt too many people to believe that 'out of sight' really did mean 'out of mind'.   It isn't strictly true.  I see my best friend once a year and we don't communicate regularly but I very rarely go through a whole day without her popping into my head.   This friendship has lasted over twenty years - precisely because no demands are made.   If I don't want to visit her (in London) even if I am expected, it's okay to cancel last minute without a shower of abuse.  Likewise, she may do this with me too.  It's one of our 'rules'.   Not too many calls or texts or emails either - no one likes being 'forced' to reply/respond.   It's all done through telepathic love.   But the joy of hearing her voice, or getting an email is beyond measure.   I know there is no pressure, no social niceties to comply with - I can just be me.   I haven't actually discussed Aspergers with her yet - I do wonder how she will respond to this.

Other things I might like to have known before - that I am not thick - I just process information a different way.   Verbal and written instructions are difficult for me and so I have to really be careful in exams - might have done better in my IQ test if I had been prepared for it!  I was only little and frankly I thought it was some kind of conspiracy  - a whole exam of trick questions.  I never did find out what the 'score' was but I am guessing I was near enough a carrot.   I didn't even bother to answer half the questions as I really didn't get what they were on about.!  I have tried a few on line IQ tests more recently and I am pleased to say, I am still a carrot....woohoo.   This might be okay for some people but I just happen to be born into a family of extremely clever academic people - not much sympathy there then....

It is not easy to watch siblings doing no work and coming out with A results.  I had to study like crazy for a C....grrr.....

Also, I have one brother who is a gifted musician and an A student.  It can really piss you off.   Fluent at languages, any musical instrument, could remember all the books he read and quoth to hearts content in Latin if need be....OMG...and he is a good looking bloke.   So not fair.....sniff...

So, as the black-sheep of my own particular brood, I will shuffle off and be average or crap at everything. 

Another Aspie Day

Well, luckier than normal - could understand nearly everyone today...except my boss who telephones me from his car - he also mumbles which is really annoying!  Anyway, he phoned a few times from his mobile and mumbled away happily - I had to stretch my hearing to full capacity to get every other word.  Anyway, I failed big time so had to come up with reasonable little phrases like 'Mmmm...yeah....'.  Not a good response if he was mumbling questions. 

The problem extends beyond my auditory difficulties....I also was tuned into my work (paper shuffling big time) and had to tune out to 'listen'.   Grumpy I was.   

It wasn't just my dear boss either - had to put up with many calls interrupting my beloved work.  But being there on the end of a phone is also part of my job.   Now quite often I am adept at chatting rubbish for long periods of time.  Unfortunately an inevitable spout of too much personal information will be let loose on my unsuspecting telephone comrade.   Most people can handle it - they think I am insane - but they can take it....

These same comrades will phone a couple of days later expecting the same treatment only to be met with Mrs Mute.   Has she got a split personality?  She just might have....

Now I have also taken to telling anyone who will listen that I am on the spectrum - this is met with dumb stares (at least I think that's what the reaction is - not always easy to tell).  Either nobody knows what Aspergers is or they are just shocked that I have only finally realised..

Right.  Am off to see what is happening on Facebook - my preferred way of socialising.    

One More Day!

Well, I had a good day - couldn't really understand anyone at all but as I was on my own for a good part of the day I didn't actually care!  I suspect it's really annoying for anyone trying to communicate with me but that's sort of tough...lol

Homework night - my daughter had 3 lots of homework as I think she forgets to bring her jotter home!  Anyway, we started at 6.45pm and finished at 8.00 pm.  It wasn't that there was massive amounts of homework, it's just that she talks, and talks, and talks....my ears were wilting!

I have an hour to myself before my son and I tackle his revision homework for business studies.  Luckily it's marketing and I have a diploma in that.  I have lots of qualifications which I never use.  Part of the fun of being an Aspie is that you can be as clever as you like but because your communication skills suck people think you are too weird and you get overlooked for more challenging jobs and/or promotion.  Not every Aspie gets this - there are some companies who actively seek out the high IQ types who are a whizz with computers.  Microsoft has more than their fair share.   If you have an Aspie child try and think about what special interests they possess and see if that can be translated into a job - if it can then encourage!  

My work is in an office - I like offices in general (particularly all the gadgets e.g. staplers, hole punches, and date stamps).  This was one of my special interests.  I can also see office processes from start to finish in my minds eye so I make a damn good office manager.  I can set up procedures or rectify bad ones.  In the past I have been head-hunted for these very talents.  It takes time and dedication but I can get most offices running like clockwork - I have never failed in this.    The office I run at the moment is exciting because things change regularly so you have to adopt a fluid approach - I love the challenge of having to assimilate new processes and procedures when things change. 

Obsessions are common with Aspies - we call them 'interests'.  I am like that with my work.   Many Aspies are like that so make very reliable staff.    They don't like breaks in their routine so are only off if they have to be.  They work solidly through the day without chatting (although I am a chatterbox on the phone) and will do more than is asked of them.  A great many employers are missing a trick!   

So, I'm off to help my son with his homework. 

A great day.

Back to 'Normal'

Well, I coped rather well with a whole week off work - I didn't even mind the lack of real routine.  But I am really pleased to be going back to work tomorrow.  Can't wait in fact.  I love the routine of it all as it keeps me rolling just nicely!

Did brave yet another supermarket today - it wasn't one I usually go to so I was more worried about the drive there and back - as it happens I managed fine and didn't get stressed at all.

I think remarkable things are happening as a result of getting some support from my Facebook group - it really is making me more confident because I know what is happening to me if I feel worried, stressed, confused or angry and frustrated.  It's all okay.

Anyway, will post again soon. 

Birthday Girl

It was my little girl's birthday today - she is seven.  As per previous posts, my daughter has a non-stop talky nature.  Today it was on over-drive! 

Of course it is to be expected but a whole day of it and not being able to tell her to be quiet was feckin' annoying.  I had to be nice mum most of the day.

Now, I love my sister-in-law but did she have to by a Disney Princess Microphone?  Hilarious that it plays a snippet of what I believe is a Strauss waltz - a little 'edumeecashun' chucked in for good measure.  Anyway, it makes noisy kid into mega noisy kid - but she loves it.  I can be tolerant - especially with a dose of pain killers to hand....

Worst part of the day - a trip to Burger King in Stirling.  The place is a tip.  The staff seemed clueless, the wait was ridiculous (fast food it aint), the meal was just awful.   We rarely go to these places because for the amount spent, we could have eaten like kings at home - but we did feel a little bad for Becks.  

A seven year old with middle-aged parents...(her half-brother who she adores is on holiday with his Dad this week), couldn't do a party, and none of my husband's children from his first marriage recognise any relationship with her - they weren't going to visit or send a card for sure. 

A dilemma for me.  Not for her dad.  He tends to visit his own children without me or Rebecca and certainly not with my son.   But I reckon from their point of view another child from a different mother isn't something they relish?  Who knows.   Anyway, I don't tag along usually - I think its important for his first children to feel they have access to their dad without his 'new family'?   Just feel that to cope with it all my husband needs to put it all in compartments.   I can get that. 

I would love to hear from people with step-families to see how they cope with it all. 

Another Day, Another Overload

Well, it serves me right.  My little girl can talk....and she did...all day - I actually had to ask her to stop talking in the supermarket just so my brain could have a rest and remember what we were actually there for!   Super-torture. 

What a little superstar she is - having got her mits on a rather advanced text book on Animals, she decided that I was to draw several of these animals so she could devise her own books (notice the plural there).

I am not an artist.   However, trying to be motherly, I did the deed and we have succeeded in producing two badly drawn books - just to make it a little educational, I made sure it was all labelled correctly...I have a degree in biological sciences - hope my angel doesn't get too interested in it.  There is very little you can do with a biology degree unless its a superfirst one with lots of post graduate 'stuff' slammed on the end.   

Teaching is not an option.  30 of the little lambs in the same room.  I would be dribbling in a corner somewhere begging to be left to die.  

By two o' clock today, I had a major headache (a lot of chatter can do that to an Aspie).   No damn films on the TV (one-eyed nanny) to give me a small breather (what is the point of paying that much for Sky only to be let down?). 


At 4pm I threw a chicken in the oven.  This was covered in herbs out of my own garden - virtuous or what?   I got a brief ten minutes to myself so I finished my book on my Kindle and then started to prep the rest of the dinner.

Husband arrived back from work - doing a little overtime.   He was not as grumpy as usual but did tell me about his day - more chatter.....luckily I don't actually have to listen to any of it as it's normally repeated a couple of times later on. 

So, after dinner - did I get to sit down and relax.  Nope.  No sooner had my bum hit the chair, a small voice insisted I finish her animal books.  This done it turned out she needed her shower.   Well, all is now quiet from daughter's room - her tooth came out so the fairy has a pound waiting...........lets hope I don't forget.  I did it once and the guilt ripped me apart.

One good thing did happen - the little angel let me know her toenails needed a clipping.  Aspies can forget this sort of thing easily - along with dentist appointments, doctors, hair washing, and all manner of other things people seem to manage with perfect ease in other households.....I keep trying though.  No point in giving up now.

I miss my son.  He has gone to his fathers for the October week.  He doesn't say much so it's relaxing for me to have him around.  He also makes me laugh which is a bonus.    The two of us fought the world alone for several years so there is a bond there (I hope it lasts).  Do all children wake up one day and hate their parents?  I dread that.  I know I haven't been a great parent but I sort of hoped I had made the grade in some respects.   

Right.  I am off to hunt out new recipes to torture my lovely family with.  They really do hate my cooking.  Ungrateful bunch! 

My Brain is Full!

Last couple of days have been a nightmare in terms of understanding anything being said to me....

My poor boss gets so frustrated but I really can't understand a word he says if the radio is on or if its raining on the metal roof of our office or indeed if I am absorbed in a task in the office.    The part of my brain that receives signals must just shut down for a rest or something.

This can be triggered by having a full brain (!) i.e. thinking about what I am doing or what I am going to do, hormones (can depend on the ups and downs of womanhood), external factors like noise as mentioned above.  All of these things contribute to make me look glaikit (daft as a brush).  I have a special look - eyes wide open, mouth repeating what is being said to me...and then having to ask for a repeat performance and then still not getting it.  Sometimes just one word in three - not great....

Anyway, when I get home its pretty bad too.  My husband likes to tell me in yawning detail about his day at work, my youngest (who is very loud) likes to yell/tell me about her day too.  Fortunately my son is a monosyllabic teenager.....very restful.  He can grunt too.    To buy myself some time, I get busy cooking pretty much as soon as I am through the door.  I can absorb myself in this task and block out quite a bit (not great for everyone else).   By eating time, I can cope with table talk and eye spy and the giggling, farting, burping and elbows on the table malarky that goes with my family supper.

Then I escape to my room and relate to my computer....sometimes I get a whole five minutes without the sound of 'mum'.....I even reply 'whitnoo?' like a really caring, sharing mummy....it does not phase my children at all.  Pity.

Bed time is great.  No talking, listening or even much mental agility required........bliss.

Overload

Had a good day all in all.  The overload of senses has calmed down now and no headache for a change! 

So, I got to see a beautiful baby, a mate dropped by at work, I laughed a lot, my son's school report was good, my husband was unusually cheerful, my daughters new dress fitted a treat and the evening meal was edible (I wont say good - let's not stretch it). 

I was overwhelmed at work and a bit short with everyone when I got in - I needed brain space - brain hadn't caught up.  But hey, it all worked out okay.

I was on FB on the Adult Aspergers page and enjoyed catching up on there and having a banter with my Aspie friends - I love that I don't need to explain anything.  Everyone just accepts you - mad as a brush is fine! 

Yesterday I did over indulge in one of my special interests - 1930's moderne houses - I splatted my FB page with loads of pictures.  Well, its my page and I will do as I please. 

Now I am accepting that I am an Aspie, I have been able to release the real me in dribs and drabs - its a very liberating experience.  

Now to start my campaign to stop people from wearing perfumes.  Not nice smells!!!!!!

Hands up if you want to rid the world of stink!  Me...

Right.  Gotta get going.  Bed and then work in the morning - lovely routine...ahhha...

Off Out

Anxiety level quite high - I have to go out and spend money....this isn't a good thing.  First of all I don't want to go out and secondly I don't really want to spend money.  I have a thing about that.  It isn't meanness - I would buy anything for anyone else.  Its just buying stuff for myself that does my head in.

Typical.  A woman's lot to be guilty??  Who knows.

Meltdown

Yesterday was horrendous - first of all I had to brave a busy supermarket - the sights, sounds, smells, possibility of being bashed into = all of these things cause stress and anxiety.  The busier the place is, the worse this gets.

Well, it would have been nice to come home to a quiet house and just calm down for a bit.  Husband decides to get his jam on with some crappy music and lo, I have a damn headache which just pounds with the beat.  So, I ask awfully nicely if he could turn the music down a fraction.  Errr.  NAW.  Apparently I could feck off and take a paracetamol.  So wonderful to be loved and cherished in this way.

He did eventually turn it down but not before having a good old rant at me first.  This did wonders for my head.   

But of course he should be able to do as he pleases in his own home....actually, I only wish that were true.  Then I wouldn't have to do any washing, cooking, cleaning, shopping or damned ironing...but there you go.

If I were a nasty battleaxe, I would probably be treated better.  Being nice to look at (well, I was when young) and kind and thoughtful and considerate means you get treated like a punch bag.    Hilarious,

I am taking a poll on this -- if you think women should be treated like dirt, put your hand up...then I can bite it...lol