Monday 26 December 2011

Nitty Gritty

It's over.  Thank God.  Christmas is torture.   I enjoyed two things - my children opening their presents and eating cheese and biscuits with my sister in law and niece.    The rest was a test of my spirit and that's all I can say - except that I am knackered, feeling very unsociable, and slightly depressed.

  It occurs to me that life hasn't been at all easy and it doesn't seem to be letting up.  Now as  Aspie with no formal diagnosis yet,  I get accused of pathologising normal behaviour (a phrase I nicked from a great article in the NY Times about a couple on the spectrum and their relationship traumas).    What does this mean?  Well, to all intents and purposes it means I choose to be on the spectrum to explain away all the quirks and traits that normal people don't seem to have.  What are these?  Shall we list them?

a.  Don't ever, ever go near my belly button - I will kill or cry.
b.  Don't rub my upper arms for too long - it's like rubbing a bruise
c.  Socks do my head in
d.  Labels on clothes drive me nuts
e.  Thinking about anything I am wearing for too long - will make me cry
f.  I practice social interactions - endlessly and obsessively - muttering to myself the moment I am alone.  Over and over.  Been doing it since tiny.
g.  I over think or under think just about everything.
h.  I can hear the words you are saying but it might be a while before I understand them
i.  I might repeat what you just said so I have time to process - echo, echo, echo
j.  There is a good chance I will mimic you - your accent and gestures - that's my way of learning social skills.  Not reliable but do it anyway.
k.  Pretty much if I meet you once I will not recognise you again unless you are in the same place.  Pretty much this is true of just about everyone including family.
l.  I rock backwards and forwards at my computer.  If really stressed, I have a repetitive movement with my hands - I push my thumb into the palm of the other hand, twist and repeat.  If I am in  a supermarket I will finger count - my thumb will press each of my fingers on my hand in a sequence only I know.  Apparently these are stims.
m.  I have a problem working out time - really awkward for cooking...
n.  There are days when I would rather not speak at all - not a word.
o.  I don't like being hugged or kissed.
p.  Perfumes are stinky and repellent
q.  I am a bit blunt sometimes - to the point of rudeness apparently.  I wouldn't hurt anyone intentionally but I like to be straightforward and honest.  I have learned this is socially unacceptable so it doesn't happen all the time now.
r.  I don't like socialising.   It's exhausting.
s.  I can study houses and house plans for hours - and play spider solitaire all day if I have time (which I don't as I am a working parent).
t.  If you are angry - say so.  I can't tell by your silly expressions.
u.  I get violent when really angry but it takes a lot to get there because generally I don't really get what is going on around me.  I live in a bubble - you should just leave me there.  Reality sucks.
v.  I do suffer because I can't make out what is going on - I have been bullied in the past and generally I am one of those people who seek to please - aka doormat.    Am learning (at 47) to stick up for myself.
w.  My work is important to me.  Very important.  I am happiest there in my routines.   I am good at it - even though I must be hard to work with sometimes.
x.  Written instructions are probably not going to be understood - draw a picture.  I like to think in pictures.
z.  I will have meltdowns/tantrums what ever you call it - I can't verbally defend or argue very well and it all goes into a mush in my head - and then I will obsess about that for years.  And cry/shout/stomp to display how I feel.  I can't ask for your help and I cannot verbalise how I feel exactly - that's a bummer.

So, if I got the alphabet right, which I doubt, then there are 26 things to be going on with.   If I thought about it a bit more, there are a few to add but no more alphabet.  Should have used numbers - too late now.

For those of you who still think that is easy to give a name to some of these things - think again.  It has taken me 47 years of berating myself to find out that not everything was my fault.   I didn't have the inward facilities to make good choices all the time.   That isn't a crime.  Nor is wanting a name for the things that set you apart from the norm.  It's comforting.

Being an Aspie isn't an excuse for behaving differently or even badly.  I do try, I sincerely do try to fit in.  I just have a much harder job!  And there are a few things I simply do not know how to deal with.   But believe me, in all the years I have been on this planet I have done nothing but push harder to be better. 

Live well.  It drives everyone else around you nuts.  



Thursday 22 December 2011

Aspie Christmas Overdrive...

Well, it's here.  The headaches, the IBS, the toe curling anxiety, the lists and lists of lists,  the shops are crowded, the noises are dementing.  Happy bloody Christmas! 

Read an interesting article - Metro - Toronto: World: Autism Friendly Santas - newish initiative set up for children on the spectrum.  A fully trained 'sensitive Santa' can fulfill long held family dream of a good photo with a beloved child.    These Santas take their cue from the child.  If the little one is not for lap sitting, that's okay - there are no noises and lights to worry them either.  It's all calm and at the child's pace.  What a wonderful world we live in.   It does give you hope. 

The great blessing for Aspies is the internet - mainly because I never have to hit another shop if I organise myself properly.  Unfortunately I haven't got it all quite right yet.  Had to run out at my lunch break to find a turkey big enough for the family.  And while I was suffering the hell that is supermarket, I picked up sprouts, carrots and a number of bits and bobs.  That took about ten minutes.  Waiting in the queue to pay for the crap was another twenty.....

Supermarkets are the great con of our lifetime.  In the olden days, we could visit our local shop and sit in a chair and have produce bought to the counter by an assistant, bagged up and now and again dumped on an account.  Not so the great food retailers.  First of all, we have to trail around their shop, to buy their products (that's hard enough) and then to add insult to injury, we are asked to unload said goods for their convenience, get it all priced up and then reload/bag it ourselves and cart the whole lot to the car/bus/taxi.     Not once does anyone question the wisdom of this.  We all just do it.  And now, for our own joy, you can self-scan.  Cut someones job and do it all yourself.     Who in their right mind thought all this up?  And the little sheep go 'baaaaa'....

Well, I am finally left with the unreasonable anxiety that I haven't got enough or that I have forgotten something that will ruin the entire day....

If only someone could point out what that is. 

And of course, if I haven't got enough, I will just have to patch it up with promises.    Like it will be better next year.  And you know?  It simply never is!  Always chaotic, always heartstoppingly terrifying.

If I don't blog before Christmas - do have a wonderful day.   Aspies - this is a day of high expectations of you.  Reach for it - you can sleep it all off on Boxing Day!  

Sunday 18 December 2011

LMSO

I rarely put LMAO - it's so rude....but 'Laughing My Socks Off' does seem child-friendly?  This is okay for an abbreviation - there are so many unnecessary ones e.g. poly bag, pressie, kids....need I go on.  Some abbreviations are so painful to me...

There are times of course when an abbreviation is the only sensible way forward.  I have been known to thumb out an entire text with full words...but it seems so silly...what's wrong with 'k' instead of 'okay' - except you spend the same amount of money on it.  Personally, I like to get value for my text expense.  And of course it takes less time to process proper words than silly ones - 'Hi m8, got ur pressie - cu soon x'  - Bloody great.  Am getting a present from a m8 - no idea who of course.  No-one signs a text!  You should just know it because of course you kept their mobile number the last time the m8 sent a text...didn't you?

And if you are audacious enough to send one without a signature....it comes back at you 'who are you?' - there is something mildly insulting about that...but there is a reason - they changed their phone and haven't put all the numbers across, the phone was dunked in the bog and lost all data, left phone in a dark corner of pub,  yeah, k, get it...

Don't get me wrong.  I love a mobile phone.  I really do.  There is something reassuring to have it near.  If you waltz off for a very long car journey in a rust bucket, there is a way to contact the AA.  If you are in a shop and see something useful and need to phone your partner to check whether to buy it or not - the moby (aaahhh) comes into it's own. 

Of course, my mobile phone is not a lovely HTC mdooby with lovely apps...I really want one for Christmas but I have as much chance of that as I would do being PM (prime mug).   I guess it's socks and a handbag for me!! 

I need apps (lovely abbreviation).  I need SATNAV (oohhh), Asda, PCS (price comparison sites), FB and many other abbreviations.  This isn't just any desire, this is your M&S desire....

Never mind, still LMAO. 

Sunday 11 December 2011

Mucus

Be serious.  Who writes a whole blog on mucus.  Even the word is viscous and revolting.  But mucus weighs on my mind (literally at the moment).  My daughter has tons of it - looks like the number eleven bus.  I have tons of it.  However, I did look up Sinusitis and it is indeed a veritable disease that anyone can get.  I have it.  Definitely have it. 

Enough of snot.   The weekend is nearly over.   In a way it's a bummer because we all love a long lie.  On the upside of it, I will be back at my beloved desk doing what I love doing.....shuffling paper and being helpful.    Downside is I am nearer to the dreaded client lunch.  Now I am very fond of the people who attend this bash - well all but one maybe.   But the very thought of sitting next to people I don't eat with daily...horrors.    Dutifully I attend every year.   I act like the equivalent of a court jester, get the ice broken, eat my own weight in mange tout and get out of there.  Another year over.  

There is actually a second client lunch - it is for the people who wont attend the first one due to one person (the person I don't like either).  This is much more informal and frankly much better fun.   But don't tell anyone...shhh....

Neither event sports a drink I might add.  Drink driving is a no-no. So, I do all this stone cold sober.  How utterly driven and devoted to my company am I?  If only they knew (and gave me more money). 

Re food.  Scientists have recently discovered a 'brain' in our stomachs.  This 'brain' actually sends messages to the real one about our moods, diseases, our eating habits and so on.  This is why people who go to MacDonalds too often have the IQ of a lettuce (less than a carrot - that's me).   I try and eat a healthy diet and I am sure this helps the rest of me to be more alert.  But it does suggest that our 'gut instincts', IBS, and butterflies are all 'real' issues.   Fascinating.   It's written in Psychology Today - called 'Brain Backup' if you want to have a browse.

Food and Mucus duly dealt with.  

Found out husband also dislikes Haggis.    Another dislike to add to the copious amounts already mentioned in previous blogs.  Never trust anyone who is a fussy eater.    It probably means they are fussy about everything....I should know.  It's a real pain in the Balmoral Chicken....






Saturday 10 December 2011

INSOMNIA AND OTHER THINGS

Sleep - would love to.  Typically, Aspies suffer from bad sleeping. 

Sometimes I am sleepy in times of stress (makes me very sleepy indeed), talking to people, or concentration.   When I should be sleepy, I am wide awake.  Fortunately, I work full time so a sort of sleeping pattern has emerged.    Also, I have a husband who can wake up if you blink near him - he can hear every sound.  I cannot therefore just get out of bed in the middle of the night and potter about before finding the sofa to snooze on (I used to do this all the time).  He gets quite irritated...hmm...but to serve him right.......

It seems I sleepwalk if I am too hot...husband has to follow me as I open the doors and windows before trooping back to bed.    We don't live in the sort of neighbourhood where this is a good idea!   I have frequently been found 'looking for my handbag', 'getting ready to go home' (??) and wanting to go for a drive butt naked...more frequently, I just sit up in bed, look around me and then maybe have quite a good conversation.   Of course, husband isn't that thrilled by all of this.   He wakes up exhausted and grumpy (pretty much his permanent state). 

There are times though when I miss my 3am jaunts - the world is quiet and undemanding.   Thoughts can float into my head and out again without any pressure to conform.  There are no conversations to have, no sounds to jar.    But the morning afters are not blissful at all!

At the moment, my snot-bug is driving me crazy.  I can't breath well.  I am nasal.  It is causing unwanted wakefulness.   I cannot shake it off.    Have tried lots of shop-bought remedies but actually the one thing that has helped is the head over a bowl of steaming water - a little Vicks in for good measure.  I can't actually smell the Vicks or even taste food (quite an advantage in this house).   Is there a bug called Sinusitis - I wonder if I have that.  Like a good hypercondriac  I should look it up (and therefore have it). 

I have been accused of looking up Aspergers and 'having that' by my family.  Highly amusing.    I think it worries them in case I am no longer who they thought I was.  But I will just be the same person - it's just my problems have a name.  Perhaps they don't want me to have 'issues'?   Who can say.   Perhaps they don't really know me at all.  Afterall, I have spent 40 plus years disguising me to the point where 'me' is a fluid thing.   A social chameleon in a mask.   I don't bother discussing it - there is no answer to 'snigger'.  It just holds a grudge.  Best not to waste energy on this.   My BF suggested that all people want a label for their troubles - Aspergers is as good as any I suppose.   What people forget is that there are physiological differences - it's not a flying fancy so much as a biological presence.  



Look up sometimes.  There are great things beyond our eye line that you can miss. 


Wednesday 7 December 2011

Calm before the Storm

High winds are forecast - so what says you?  Well, one of my phobias is the weather....ice and wind actually - find it difficult to function under these terrible conditions.

It is also Prelim Time for my son.  He is in a negative frame of mind.  He 'cannot do' first and then five minutes later 'oh, I know this'.  So, I am 'helping' with his maths.  A couple of things we both got stuck on.  It was nearly there but any noise bopped it right back out of the brain....this too will pass....or fail....whichever.   I suppose I want him to pass everything but actually, even if he doesn't get great marks, it will be a kick when he needs it.  Too much time on the Xbox and not enough time on the books leads to..........misery in exams.  Not actually worth it.  Better to study hard for a pretty small period of time and get those grades.   But he has to come to that conclusion himself.  Nothing I say will make any difference.   I could ban the Xbox of course - but that would only achieve hostility.   Possibly failing on purpose?  Who knows.  Kids can be a funny breed! 

So, I am living his panic.  I am stressing about the high winds.  The schools are closing early tomorrow so add in a bit of disruption to my routine and you have it....an Aspie turmoil. 

If only I could take it all in my stride.  But it's all so important.  All terribly meaningful to me.  I would love for my son to feel confident, I would like for it to be a normal winter day (cold and rain but no snow and wind).   I want to sit at my desk in the office until I see the dark sky through the roof windows and realise it's time to pack up...

You can't have everything you want.   Make the best of what you have.  Isn't that what we are told to think?  If only Aspie brains worked that way. 

Keep safe.

Saturday 3 December 2011

Weekend Again

So, I was curious - what did the refurbished Sainsbury look like?  My daughter and I drove along to have a look .  And it is impressive.  They have done a good job.  It was all laid out nicely and bigger and better.  Shame about the throng of people. 

I did indeed attempt browsing the Gok Wan Tu collection - lovely as it is, I couldn't bear people walking behind me so I gave up. 

In a moment of weakness, I bought pizzas for the children's supper and a boxed ready made curry ensemble for me and husband.  As I am full of mucus, I wouldn't be able to taste it anyway so it seemed like a plan.  Indeed supper was received well as my only contribution was warming it up!  Of course I forgot to buy milk....but hey, my Aspie brain was full....no apologies.

Weekends are odd - they are supposed to be relaxing aren't they?  Why is that?  Who has these relaxing weekends?  Certainly not working parents with a couple of small people in the house.  First of all, everyone has clothes.  School clothes, work clothes, casual wear,  and stuff young lad wore to football which is covered in mud and his hanging about the house clothes, and his going out clothes...ergo...a sodding huge load of washing.    Or should I say several loads of washing.  Machine might actually wash but it does not load itself or dry the stuff or indeed fold it and get it to the room it belongs to...that would be me that does that...grrrr. 

I am fortunate enough that we have a iron as you go policy (not everyone believes in this - some people will stand for hours ironing).    Husband and son do their own ironing.    I do smallest person's.  I rarely bother to iron my own clothes.  This, according to husband, is a Bad Thing.   I do not understand.  If there is something I can wear that does not need ironing, all to the good.   If it does need ironing, it goes into depths of wardrobe until I have a mad turn. 

Apart from washing tons of stuff, there is shopping to do.  Now I like to plan my menu for the week - see previous blogs to get the measure of how terrible this is.   I then walk about house taking notes of what we need.  I then hop on line and buy it and have it all delivered.  If I had to go and do a weekly shop in a supermarket with my husband one of us would be dead.   He is very annoying in a supermarket.  'Do we need this?' pointing at something not on my list....'Isn't it cheaper to buy the bigger size?'.....very fecking possibly.....'I don't like them'........who fecking cares?  And it goes on....and on....and on........I could be caught rocking backwards and forwards at the baked beans.........

All these nice things I get delivered need to be cooked....guess who by?  Actually, husband has been taking his turn recently....he is very good at it too which makes me look like a complete failure...but that's another story....

And then there is cleaning.  Now as I have already done all the washing, shopping, cooking, packed lunches, ironing of small persons clothes, bedtimes including a shower and a book for daughter, daily clean of kitchen, and so on, I don't think it's unreasonable to expect the others to chip in.  Daughter (7) has to tidy room (with my help as she is rubbish at this), son does his bedroom and vacuums landing and stairs, husband tackles sitting room, hall and kitchen.  I am left with my bedroom and bathroom.    I do not do bins.   Ever.  Well, not unless I feel in a whirl of energetic lust for heaving stinky black bags about.....

You might think this sounds good.  It is in fact a new thing.  It's only in the last few weeks that this arrangement for cleaning has come about.  After many tantrums, meltdowns, threats of divorce, I finally got husband to see that he must take a shot.  He doesn't do half but he does some which is much more than before.    

My son is not daft.  He realised early on that a guy that can work some magic in the home will get more women.   God bless his teenage heart.   Being a useless fecker like far too many men, leads to being terminally single or the possibility of being stuck with a woman who drinks her own weight in wine daily and has hardly any teeth left.    Attractive modern women don't want immature twits messing up their designer lives.  Quite right too.      I blame the Aspergers for landing in my situation.  I can't tell the difference between a lazy useless twat and a half-decent pull.    By the time I have worked it out...it's too late. 

I also blame the Aspergers for being very, very patient....or on the surface it's patience.    What it is really is very slow processing of information.     My kids are canny on this point and realise they can pretty much do what they want until Mother finally clicks....I forget they are supposed to be doing homework, in bed, not browsing porn on the internet etc., I get caught up in something and my brain shuts out the rest.    Husband likes to remind me of course....he is like a walking, talking memo board......with moaning and criticising thrown in.....I am extremely lucky to have him about.

In the words of the immortal cat Garfield 'Yeah, weekend!'.