Sunday, 26 February 2012

Aspies, Friendships, Love and Sex

How do you tell people that you just don't like to be hugged? 

How can you explain that kissing is disgusting and spreads germs?

Now, I can cuddle my children.  My daughter likes kisses.   I never mind this.  I get that she needs it.  At some point though, my son grew out of needing a hug and kiss off his mum.  This does not worry me.  I replace physical affection with verbal affection.  It works for everyone that way.

But what about sex?  Well, some Aspies find certain aspects of it rather difficult - they might not like parts of their body being touched.   Perhaps over sensitive?  Some Aspies truly dislike sex.  Others like it a lot.

The trouble with sex is that neuro-typicals like to be romantic.  They like to hug and kiss before and after.  Personally this is just something you have to go through to get to the biological fun part! 

I very, very rarely look forward to being hugged.  I can do it but after a couple of minutes, I notice how uncomfortable I am and something starts itching e.g. back, arm, leg and I have to wriggle about and basically escape the grip.....

Kissing is pretty gross.  I could do with the Innuit nose rubbing greeting becoming popular.  Kissing on the lips is far too intimate and intrusive.  Like a telephone ringing when you are reading a great book.  When did someone's saliva near your mouth become a 'Good Thing' ?

Hugging girlfriends??  Well, they laugh at me most of the time.  They laugh about my rigid response to embrace and my screwed up face.  I don't mind them laughing.  If they didn't laugh, there is a good chance it would hurt their feelings.   But that isn't what it is all about. 

On saying that, after so many years on the planet, I have learned to hug back and I try really hard.  I still don't actually enjoy it but I do understand that my NT friends 'need' human contact to feel okay. 

Love is.........a few chemicals slopping about in the brain. How do I work out if I like someone or not?   I imagine them dead.  If I start to cry then I know I like them.  If I don't cry, there is a pretty good chance that their friendship is neither here nor there to me.  Perhaps this method seems strange to an NT? 

Aspies find it hard to process, describe or even understand their own emotions.  The term used is Alexithymia.    I cannot tell you if I am upset.  It's not that I don't feel things, it's just it takes me a long time to work out what exactly those feelings are all about.   I can get angry, but it bubbles away for sometime before I explode (sometimes called a meltdown).   I can feel sad and will cry.  Sometimes I don't even know why I am crying.  It just appears.  

These kind of emotional and physical problems are typical in an Aspie - there are no upsides to that.  There are many downsides - the worst one I can think of off the cuff is that I pick terrible partners!   I seem to attract people who are completely unreliable, untrustworthy, unpleasant....and the bummer is, I don't know what it is about me that is the magnet for the iron filings of damaged-man!    If I knew, I would switch it off!! 

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